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Which Red Sox Would I Want to be Trapped in a Submarine With?

There are lots of variables to consider here

2014 Red Sox Spring Training Photo by Jim Davis/The Boston Globe via Getty Images

Due to some current events I’m sure most of you are aware of, my lovely co-hosts and I discussed which four Red Sox we would like to be stuck in a submarine 12,500 feet below sea level with on this week’s Pod on Lansdowne. Some of you may think that this is a fairly simple thought exercise, but there are many, many variables to consider. Size, smell, and vibes. Just to name a few. If I’m stuck down there with these gentlemen, I need them to be perfect. After some deliberation, I walked away with four Red Sox I would love to face certain death with.

Number 1: Kevin Youkilis

Atlanta Braves v Boston Red Sox Photo by Winslow Townson/Getty Images

Youk is a lock here for me, he checks every box. For one, he is a fantastic conversationalist. If you’re stuck in that sub you’re gonna need some good talks. As we’ve seen on NESN the last two seasons, Youk is able to hold a conversation with Dave O’Brien several nights a week, which is no small feat. On top of his people skills, I am certain that his personal hygiene is stupendous. Youk has been maintaining for what, almost twenty years now?* That is some real dedication to one’s self. On top of all that, as the owner of Loma Brewing Company in Los Gatos, CA, I’m sure Kevin would supply some scrumptious food and drink on the submarine. And as a cherry on top, Youk is one of the only Jewish Red Sox players ever, so that’s a nice personal connection I like to think he and I could chat about.

Number 2: Dennis Eckersley

Boston Red Sox v Houston Astros Photo by Joel Auerbach/Getty Images

I mean, this one’s a layup. Just from a pure entertainment standpoint, Eck is the best there is. A better storyteller does not exist in the history of the Red Sox. Even facing the endless void of the deep blue, the moment Eck drops a “lettuce”, or “pair of shoes” I’d be in stitches. Along with this, and in very a similar vein to Youk, Eck has maintained that glorious mustache for damn near fifty years now. That takes some real commitment. Also, and I have absolutely nothing to base this on, but Eck looks like he smells terrific.

Number 3: Dustin Pedroia

New York Yankees v Boston Red Sox Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

Another obvious pick. Much like my first two picks, Dustin is a fantastic storyteller and character. In addition to that, I think he brings some really valuable leadership to the submarine. It can’t all be fun and games down there, and Pedey would surely whip us all into shape. Hell, he might even get us back to the surface. But where Pedroia’s real value lies is a little less obvious. I’ll be frank, there’s not that much room on the submarine. Listed at a generous 5’9”, Pedey simply would not take up that much space on the sub! He could fit neatly in the corner and still leave tons of room for the rest of us. Now that’s someone I’d explore the depths with.

Number 4: Brock Holt

Kansas City Royals v Boston Red Sox Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

When you begin to think about it critically, how could you not bring the Brockstar down there with you? A true teammate’s teammate, Brock will do literally anything you ask of him. Wanna hear some stories? He’s got you. Thinking of having a snack? He’ll grab ‘em. Toilet’s broken? He’ll fix it. Pilot is tired? He’ll be the damn pilot. We all need a super-utility man in our sub.

And that’s my squad. Which Sox are you headed down to The RMS Titanic with?