Zillowing Out With David Ortiz: Miami, Florida vs. Weston, Massachusetts

You might recall that, a couple of years back, David Ortiz generated some news by putting his house in Weston on the market. The New England media proceeded to spend a week circulating pictures of Red Sox memorabilia-strewn walls and the very granite countertops where Big Papi may have cooked his own mofongo.

Like me, perhaps you assumed that Papi, with the kids finally out of the house, wanted to downsize. Maybe he’d move into a condo in the Back Bay, somewhere with concierge service and no stairs to deal with where he could gracefully transition into old age.

But no! As we found out when news broke last week that he put yet another house on the market, it turns out that he upsized to a place just south of Miami. How could you, Papi!

Given that it’s inconceivable that anyone would voluntarily chose to live in Miami instead of the MetroWest, I had to check this place out. Is it remotely possible that a house stuck in the subdivision hell of South Florida could actually be preferable to one that’s less than 10 minutes from the famous Weston Cross Country Ski Track and not one but TWO Dunkin’ Donuts? Let’s do a side-by-side comparison and find out.

Front Yards That Don’t Have Confusing And Probably Dangerous Water Features That Aren’t Actually Pools

Weston: 1, South Florida 0

Pools don’t belong in front of the house. Everyone knows this rule, but it looks like the architects of Papi’s Miami manse briefly forgot about it, immediately realized their mistake, and then tried to hastily and sloppily turn two pools into some kind of weird, useless fountains. How gauche! And what if you can’t see where you’re going because you just got back from Star Market and your grocery bags are in front of of your eyes and you walk right into one of the fountains! And, OMG, there’s fire there, too! This whole place is a deathtrap!

Give me a big ol’ patch of blacktop the size of a Starbucks parking lot any day of the week. One point for Weston.

Mancaves

Weston: 2 That Are Awesome, South Florida: 1 That Sucks

We’ve got not one, but two mancaves in the Weston house! God, that top picture is just so mancavey, isn’t it? It’s got everything: outdoor furniture inexplicably being used inside, harsh fluorescent lighting, a speed bag that likely hasn’t been worked since the day it was purchased, enough sports memorabilia on the wall to fill a Buffalo Wild Wings!

On the other hand, get a look at the pathetic attempt of a mancave down in Miami. It’s so light and airy! It looks like it smells like cucumber water! This is the complete opposite of a cave and I don’t know how I’m supposed to hang with the fellas and complain about my nagging wife in this thing. Chalk up another W for the MetroWest.

Personal Space In In-Home Movie Theater

Weston: Abundant, South Florida: Minimal

How are you supposed to enjoy Russel Crowe’s subtle charisma if you’re fighting for the arm rest of the whole time, huh?

Bedroom TVs Positioned At An Appropriate Eye-Level

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

Really, Miami, do you want me to get a crick in my neck? Because that’s how you get a crick in your neck.

Showers Where You Don’t Have To Walk Across An Entire Room To Reach The Faucet Handles

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

I guess I’m supposed to go for a walk if I need to adjust the temperature of my rain forest shower? I don’t like that, I prefer to keep my shower time and my walking time separate. It also looks like it could slippery and dangerous; you’d have to shower in a nice pair of Tevas if you lived here.

Pools Surrounded By a Brick Patio That Gets Nice And Warm During The Summer And Feels Good On Your Feet

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

I love stepping on a warm brick patio when I step out of a pool! My bodies cold, but my feet are so toasty! What is that he’s got down there in Florida? Granite? No one’s getting toasty feet on granite.

Living Rooms Where You Don’t Have To Make A Difficult Decision About Which Couch To Sit On

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

Here’s how many decisions I want to make when I walk into my living room after a long day of blogging: zero. I just want to kick off the shoes, loosen the neck tie, and collapse into a comfy couch that's got a nice, years-in-the-making butt grove in it. Can I do that in Papi’s South Florida house? No! I see at least three different couches, two big arm chairs and a piano bench! Talk about decision fatigue, what a nightmare.

Silver Slugger Trophies Just Sitting There On The Stairs For Some Reason

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

This is exactly where I would keep the physical manifestation of having reached the peak of my profession, too. Papi and I have similar design sensibilities.

Stark New England Landscapes That Remind You About The Harsh, Relentless March Of Time:

Weston: 1, South Florida: 0

How am I supposed to even know that every day I inexorably creep closer to death if I can’t spend five months every year staring out a cold, grey, lifeless landscape? Not gonna lie: Miami looks awful.

Final Tally: Weston 9, South Florida 1

This one was a bigger rout than Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS against the Yankees.