10 Things Aaron Judge Was Probably Looking At Instead Of A Teammate Relaying Signs Obtained Via Illegal Means

Poor Aaron Judge. Last night, the Blue Jays announcing crew caught him looking at. . . something moments before each pitch of a 6th inning at-bat that resulted in a home run, his second of the game.

People on Twitter, an unregulated platform that algorithmically rewards outrage and irresponsible attention-seeking takes, immediately began accusing Judge and the Yankees of cheating, perhaps by employing sophisticated sign-stealing technology (possibly sourced from Russia) which intercepts messages sent via opponents’ PitchCom devices.

In fact, some experts are even speculating that every home run Judge has ever hit may be erased from the record books:

This, of course, is pathetic! We live in a society that supposedly values the presumption of innocence, don’t we! And frankly, it’s disgusting for anyone to assert that the Yankees are employing sophisticated sign-stealing technology (possibly sourced from Russia) which intercepts messages sent via opponents’ PitchCom devices without any hard proof.

In fact, there are hundreds of completely innocent explanations for Judge diverting his eyes from the pitcher mere moments before a baseball was to be hurled towards him, every pitch of a given at-bat. Hundreds, I say!

And because we here at OTM are dedicated principles of justice and equity, we wanted to use our platform to put a stop to these irresponsible accusations before Aaron Judge’s good name is unfairly tarnished forever.

So here you go: 10 things Aaron Judge could’ve been looking at besides a teammate relaying signs obtained by the illegal use of sophisticated sign-stealing technology (possibly sourced from Russia) which intercepts messages sent via opponents’ PitchCom devices. Don’t be a part of the problem, be a part of the solution, and resist the online mob!

1. A majestic Canada Goose landing in the on-deck circle because, really, how did that thing even thing get in there with the roof closed!

2. Anthony Rizzo, who was supposed to be in the on-deck circle but who’s been wandering off lately and talking to strangers, which can get dangerous (especially in a foreign country.)

3. His manager Aaron Boone, who had just been thrown out after an emotionally charged outburst, because Judge wanted to make sure he was doing his breathing exercises.

4. The timer on the dugout microwave, because he’d stuck a Hot Pocket in there just before stepping up to the plate. You don’t want your Hot Pockets to get too hot!

5. The hockey game, because that’s what everyone else in the crowd was watching, too.

6. The base coach, who, just as Jay Jackson was reaching his set position, changed the sign from “take” to “hit a home run.”

7. His parents who — and you probably don’t know this since no one ever brings it up for some reason — are teachers.

8. Assistant hitting coach Brad Wilkerson, who was gathering the boys around to tell them about the time he came from behind to win the Montreal Expos Annual Pie Eating Contest.

9. Carlos Beltran’s niece.

10. Game film of new Red Sox relief ace Pablo Reyes.