Kiké Hernández And The Mud Pie Affair

As time’s arrow keeps marching forward, athletes get harder and harder to identify with.

Millions of social media followers, annual salaries beyond the wildest imaginations of ordinary folk like you and me, and the elite status of celebrity all skew our ability to level with the people we put on a pedestal as we watch our favorite games. This revelation isn’t new, of course, but it’s a gap of genuine relatability that continues to grow.

Yet sometimes there’s a spark that grounds these behemoths of the cultural zeitgeist. One moment comes around every so often that reminds us that we are not looking upon larger than life folk heroes, figments of our imagination that get passed down from generation to generation.

Nay—these are humans, just like us. They’re just normal men. They’re just innocent men.

Enter Kiké Hernández and his serious case of bubble guts.

Jonathan Dyer-USA TODAY Sports

In case you missed it because you aren’t terminally online like myself, Director of Vibes for the Boston Red Sox Kiké Hernández got personal with his former Los Angeles Dodgers teammate Justin Turner when recalling a memory from their 2020 World Series run. When asked about what the most embarassing on-field moment of his career was, Kiké’s answer was a dirty and stinky one, becoming by far the biggest story of Spring Training this year across the entire sport.

I’ll link the video below and let Kiké do the talking because it’s nasty business.

2020 playoffs, I had a tooth infection. So I was taking some antibiotics for my infection, and one of the side effects was diarrhea. We got a big out in a big situation during the NLDS and I screamed, “F yeah!”

I was DH-ing, and I thought I farted. I went out to lead off the inning, I struck out in three pitches. When I went in the dugout, I went straight in the bathroom, pulled my pants down—completely sharted...What I’m saying is that I shit my pants during a game in the playoffs.

Nothin’ like a good ol’ mud pie to throw your night into a frenzy. I just hope he didn’t have too small of a slice afterwards.

Who among us hasn’t had that feeling of dread, huh? Let they who hasn’t made a lil’ medically-induced boom boom in an unfortunate spot cast the first stone towards our king Kiké. I don’t care if you’re trying to accomplish a feat that cements your place in baseball history forever or if you’re just on the couch playing some COD and working on your seventh delightful domestic-based concoction of the evening—nature waits for no one when it comes a-callin’.

Ballplayers are just like us after all, man. A World Series championship is the pinnacle of the profession; it’s an accolade that can define a lifetime of hard work and dedication. Yet Kiké will always remember that period of his career as the time where he unleashed a power house round of water shits with multiple national television cameras in the building alongside him. The run where he got the runs; that means two things, folks.

And y’know what? That’s perfectly reasonable.

Shoutout to Kiké for keeping it a buck, I say! Honesty is the best policy. It’s easy in this day and age to keep up a facade of a flawless lifestyle, especially for those who are even moderately famous in the grand scheme of things. While sincerity is scary, it’s also endearing! I like my players admitting when they poo in their doo doo ass, sue me. He’s so real for this. It’s quite literally making the most out of a shitty sitation.

Not that Hernández hasn’t already passed the “I’d Like To Have A Beer With Him” test, but now he’s aced it with flying colors. I just need to make sure that he isn’t on any antibiotics when we have that beer.