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5 Red Sox Bets I Wish I Could Make

Mobile sports betting in Massachusetts opens Friday; let’s celebrate with some hypothetical wagers.

Minnesota Twins v Boston Red Sox Photo by Maddie Meyer/Getty Images

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is the latest place where mobile sports betting has become legal.

Starting at 10 a.m. today, residents 21 and over in the Bay State will be able to place wagers through pre-approved books like DraftKings—not that Kevin Hart has let you forget about that, though. As they say: let the good times roll...before pushing your luck too far with another parlay.

With mobile wagering now accessible (it neverrrrrrr was before today folks, neeeeeeeeeverrrrrrrrrrrr) alongside in-person betting at casinos such as Encore and Plainridge Park, I’m sure many baseball fans across the area are wondering how they could potentially wet their whistle. Win lines and World Series title odds for the Boston Red Sox are now live for those wanting to test their luck (over/under of 78.5 wins on the year and +6000 to lift the Commissioner’s Trophy at the time of publication, according to DraftKings; do with that information what you will).

Now I’m not much of a gamblin’ man myself—rather, I was born a ramblin’ man—but I can’t help but wonder: what would happen if some alternative odds were available to put money on? What if these sports books dipped their toes into the wackiness that is a typical season in Boston baseball? If they did, I’m pretty confident in my abilities to acquire enough resources over the course of 2023 to buy myself a nice yacht or 12. Watch out John Henry—maybe I’ll buy FSG outright with straight cash, homie.

The old adage is “Vegas always knows,” but I’d like to see them try with these hypothetical Red Sox bets that I wish I could make. Hey, maybe I’d get frisky and run these all together in a parlay.

+350 Triston Casas To Lead The Team In Outfield Sunbathing-Related Sunburns

Boston Red Sox Spring Training Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

Let’s get an easy one out of the way first. There’s a universe where Triston Casas leads Boston in home runs for many years in the future, but there’s no universe where someone knocks him off the peak of getting burnt while sunbathing in the outfield. It’s just not gonna happen.

Whether or not you think the young first baseman’s pregame ritual of taking in some rays is a turn-on or a turn-off, it’s safe to say that he’s quite unique in that sense. I don’t know how many other dudes are gonna join in with that. Outfielders who are prone to burning will likely have that high quality SPF at the ready, while Casas is going to hypothetically have at least 162 chances to get burnt. Outfielders are also in and out of the dugout throughout the entire course of the game—Casas would be deliberately battling the elements at an increased rate. This is just a matter of volume, folks.

It’s not often where you get odds than can be considered close to free money, but that’s the case in the sports book I’ve built in my own noggin.

Under 1.5 John Henry Press Conferences

2022 National Baseball Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

Red Sox Nation saw its equivalent of Halley’s Comet over the offseason, as principal owner John Henry made himself available to the public at the team’s Winter Weekend event in January.

It went about as well as you could’ve expected, especially considering it had been quite some time since John Henry had answered a handful of questions about the team publicly.

Pretending to check your watch when asked a valid question that I’d imagine plenty of other fans are wondering is actually the perfect way to show that you do, indeed, care about your asset. My “The Red Sox Are Still A Top Priority” t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

After that incident, I can’t imagine we’ll be seeing much of Henry this season. He popped his head out a few times, he got booed, and now he’ll keep to himself. The line allows for one media appearance for, I dunno, another contract extension or a trade at the deadline. But I don’t think lightning would be striking twice in that regard.

Over 4.5 References From Dave O’Brien That Just Go Completely Over All Of Our Heads

Pittsburgh Pirates v Boston Red Sox Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

I feel like I have to preference all comments about Dave O’Brien with a disclaimer: I like him.

I think he’s quite skilled at painting the picture of the game between the lines. He does a solid job of calling the balls and strikes from the NESN broadcast booth. I understand Don Orsillo was the favorite play-by-play man for many watching TV games—no one could match his enthusiasm, you’re preaching to the choir—but his departure years ago ain’t Dave’s fault. While I thought O’Brien was even better on the radio with WEEI (the David Ortiz grand slam call and the World Series clinching call from 2013 are both elite, debate a wall), I still think he’s fine for NESN.

With that said: man, does he have some weird riffs in the booth.

My brain always goes back to the home run smacked by Rafael Devers against Washington that basically clinched the Sox’s spot in the 2021 AL Wild Card Game.

Like, what are we doing here? What is that?

For the uninitiated, “Finnegan’s Rainbow” seems to be a reference to the musical/movie “Finian’s Rainbow.” It’s a reference so obscure that we just recently did a Pod On Lansdowne episode diving into it (shameless plug) and I still couldn’t remember the name of the original work off the top of my head.

I’ll push my luck and say that we’ll get a couple of more nuggets like that in 2023 from DOB. Maybe a reference to, say, Best Picture winner at the 1981 Oscars “Ordinary People.” Perhaps a nod to “Falling into You,” Celine Dion’s masterpiece that won Album of the Year at the 1997 Grammys? The world is Dave’s oyster.

And hey, I’m not judging here! You’re reading a post from the guy who made damn near 50 Coldplay references when writing about a relief pitcher.

Over 2.5 Awkward Plugs for “Dining Playbook”

I’m sure the folks at “Dining Playbook” are cool. I wish them success. The plugs in the middle of Red Sox games with the hosts are awkward as hell, though.

They just stop the flow of the game dead in its tracks, man. I love heading to Marina Bay for a bite—I don’t need to be reminded of their delightful eateries when Aaron Judge is up with runners in scoring position.

Yet that complaint isn’t gonna stop NESN from pumping their product. Fair enough. If that’s the case, I’m putting imaginary money on it happening a few times this season.

+8500000 Some BS Company Receiving The Naming Rights To Fenway Park

Championship Series - Houston Astros v Boston Red Sox - Game Three Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

I know that’s blasphemy. Treasonous, even. Hear me out.

Decades ago, I’m sure there was an uproar from Red Sox fans learning that ads would be placed along the outfield walls at Fenway Park. A similar decision caused quite a stir for Chicago Cubs fans back in 2007 when the team announced ads would be placed in the outfield at Wrigley Field; I can’t imagine it was something that Red Sox fans ignored back when that change was made at Fenway.

Ads have now been placed on the sleeves of Boston’s uniforms—and ugly ads, at that!

Boston Red Sox Spring Training Photo by Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

Hell, there are now rumors that Baltimore’s Camden Yards may be receiving some corporate branding.

The point is: not much seems to be sacred nowadays.

In my heart of hearts, I don’t think there will be corporate naming tie-ins with America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

But wouldn’t surprise me if it ever came to that. Not much of this corporate garbage would surprise me nowadays. Faceless companies don’t recognize that no one associates previously-established stadiums with their brand—but they’ll be damned if they don’t keep trying.

I sure hope it doesn’t come to that—and again, I really don’t think it will—but you cannot convince me that our favorite place in the entire world may be officially called MassMutual Field at Fenway Park at some point in the future. Our kids one day might hear the PA announcer proclaim: “Welcome to Fenway Park, presented by Safelite AutoGlass.”

That continued practice of plastering corporate branding across our pastime is a real possibility—and if it is, I might as well make some hypothetical cash off of it.