Things We’re Terrified Of In 2023: Chris Sale Leaving The House Without Wearing A Suit Of Bubble Wrap

When Chris Sale first came to the Red Sox, it was an absolute godsend for a team that was in desperate need of a true ace. Rick Porcello had surprisingly won the Cy Young the season prior, but Red Sox Nation knew that type of production wasn’t sustainable. David Price had thrown an excellent season, 17-9 with a 3.99 ERA, but just wasn’t ready to be the true front of the staff. Enter Chris Sale in a blockbuster trade in December 2016. An impact arm with a flaming fastball and a vicious slider that could mow anyone down. He lived up to the hype in his first year in Beantown.

A World Series title in 2018, including the most satisfying last out whiffing Manny Machado, all but cemented his legacy as a proven winner. But what was lingering in the background was much, much less encouraging. During that 2018 title run, there were doubts about his ongoing effectiveness as a starter, thanks to lingering shoulder issues from earlier in the season. Since then, he’s had stints on the 60-day IL for Tommy John surgery, a stress fracture in his right rib, COVID, a broken pinkie finger, and a broken wrist suffered while riding his bike, the last of which ended last year’s campaign for him. Chaim Bloom asked for someone to find whoever had the Chris Sale voodoo doll (seriously, I hope someone found the doll). So what impression do we have of Sale now?

For the love of everything, Chris, please stay healthy.

For the team’s sake, as the Red Sox rotation is suspect at best right now.

Nathan Eovaldi is gone. Nick Pivetta can be a workhorse one night and be hooked in three frames or less the next. Brayan Bello and Garrett Whitlock have much to prove to earn their rotation spots. With The Big Maple coming off of Tommy John surgery, James Paxton has even more to prove. Corey Kluber certainly isn’t the ace of any roster anymore. It all falls squarely on Chris Sale’s shoulders (both his real shoulders and the voodoo doll’s) to eat up as many innings on that mound as humanly possible.

For a pitcher who signed a 5-year, $145 million contract after the World Series victory, he’s done little to live up to the amount of capital Red Sox brass put into keeping him.

No more bike riding, no more throwing without a trainer around. Leave the house in bubble wrap with an armed convoy, for all we care. Hire a private investigator to find the voodoo doll and lock it up as securely as possible. Just please, please stay healthy for the sake of the 2023 Red Sox season.