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Red Sox vs. Rangers lineup: Do it for Papi

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We’re fired up.

MLB: Spring Training-Minnesota Twins at Boston Red Sox
Mess with one, mess with all.
Douglas DeFelice-USA TODAY Sports

Game 67 vs. Rangers

Lineup spot Rangers Red Sox
Lineup spot Rangers Red Sox
1 Delino DeShields, CF Mookie Betts, RF
2 Danny Santana, LF Andrew Benintendi, LF
3 Elvis Andrus, SS J.D. Martinez, DH
4 Nomar Mazara, RF Xander Bogaerts, SS
5 Hunter Pence, DH Rafael Devers, 3B
6 Asdrubal Cabrera, 3B Sam Travis, 1B
7 Logan Forsyhe, 1B Eduardo Núñez, 2B
8 Rougned, Odor, 2B Jackie Bradley Jr., CF
9 Jeff Mathis, C Sandy León, C
SP Mike Minor, LHP Chris Sale, LHP

The Red Sox (34-32) look to mount once more the horse of victory against the Rangers (34-30) tonight at Fenway Park (7:10 p.m., NESN).

Before we get to that, though, I want to hand the floor over to my evil twin, who has this report:

We have a nanny. She is Dominican and her family knows David Ortiz and she thinks the attempted murderer was probably going after the singer in the room but, and this is my conjecture, got nervous, recognized Papi, and fired. I made a joke before she came into the house this morning about how I was mad she would let that happen, and I am mad, but not at her. I’m mad at myself for making the joke but also mad at the guy who tried to kill Big Papi.

I do not know if Ortiz is, as he said to his rescuers, “a good person.” I suspect he is, but I know Curt Schilling is not, and I’m still happy for the big dumb pitching ox’s contributions to the Red Sox -- it is not about that, thank God. If Papi has giant warts I will embrace them the best I can while providing for my conscience, but there attempted murder is a wart too far, for me and also, in the case of shooting Big Papi, fundamentally stupid.

There is only so much joy on the Earth, and Ortiz provides what, seven percent of it? That’s a lot if you think about it. Between your kids and job and life there’s not a huge amount of time for professional sports, and even then you might not be a Red Sox fan, so Ortiz may bring you non-joy or even dread, especially in New York, which, if you’re there and like the Yankees, is a bad idea. I’m there -- here we just call it “here” -- and I have perceived a regional antipathy to Ortiz from all over except the most faithful repository of Mets fans: law offices. Find someone who loves you like lawyers love the Mets and, ideally, marry them and treat them better than Jeff Wilpon.

Enough. Big Papi is in intensive care and I don’t like it. Seven percent is a lot.

There was a time he could go on like this forever, but it’s long past, and there’s a game to be played, so he’s done. (The joke here is that is he is me and I can’t write as fast any more.)

The Rangers have a lineup that should not have a better record than the Sox, but does. The Red Sox have a lineup that is good, because Andrew Benintendi and J.D. Martinez are back, though Michael Chavis is not in the lineup. But still, if you’re sick of losing, this is a good game you should probably watch. This is our fuckin’ city.