New music review: Juvenile’s ‘Red Sox’

I was trawling the tubes for something to write about today when I typed “Red Sox” into my Twitter browser and this came up:

The world has been Bad recently, but this news is Good. Funny look for Fenway, though. Let’s listen.

I’m into it, and it’s nice that the Sox have a certifiably good rap song to their names, because the music of the Sox is not great. Forget that the new song has nothing to do with the Boston Red Sox baseball club, take the W, and compare that track to this freestyle, which still makes my ears bleed:

Nope. The moment before he says “Varitek,” when four people in the crowd realize he’s going to do it and sing along, is so bad I still wince about it like twice a year, almost 20 years later. And I hate the other songs we play.

I liked “Sweet Caroline” for a while, no more so than when the Mets stole it for a year and I got to feel all superior, mostly because it reminded me of the movie “Beautiful Girls,” which I used to like, and in which they have a big sing-along à la Fenway fans. I thought for a long time that the -- Sox adopted it because of the movie, a love letter to small town New England -- but I have been reliably informed otherwise. It apparently just works really well. Judge for yourself:

If we’re going Diamond, give me “America” every day. The song, at least.

Finally, there’s “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” of which I’m sure the Dropkick Parents are even quite sick at this point. I blame Scorsese. Here’s the relevant clip:

So yeah, shit is bleak, ha, and that’s before you get to the Aerosmith catalog, ha. And yes, ha, I know that Juvenile song has as much chance of playing every day as Fenway as does Josh Rutledge, ha. It’s just that as American backs its azz up to the 18th century by a decade a day, ha, I need something to feel good about, ha. And no song reliably makes me feel better -- having nothing to do with the Red Sox whatsoever, ha -- than this one, also by Juvenile, ha. (It’s not “Ha,” ha.)

That’s all. Carry on, ha.