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Red Sox 2016 promotions are all about the retiring David Ortiz

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If you want a 500-homer necklace or a talking Papi bobblehead, you'll need to get to Fenway this year.

Boston Red Sox Photo Day Photo by Elsa/Getty Images

It's David Ortiz's last year in baseball, and the Red Sox aren't going to let him go out without a number of goofy days and trinkets honoring him. Boston's promotional schedule -- which has filled out more and more since the sellout streak ended in early 2013 -- is loaded with days meant to honor Ortiz. Or at least, like, turn him into a gnome or something.

On Tuesday, April 12 -- the second home game of the season -- the Red Sox will be giving away replica 500 Homer necklaces to the first 15,000 fans in attendance. If you don't remember what that is, you can just look up at the photo atop this post, or you can travel back through time to Photo Day and recall that Ortiz was wearing an enormous necklace to celebrate his hitting his 500th career homer in 2015. Now you too can wear a giant necklace to celebrate this feat, except yours isn't worth six figures and full of diamonds. And also you didn't hit 500 homers to earn the right to wear it. Minor details.

Also, do not take these jokes to mean that the necklace is a trash idea: if you get one and do not want it, please slide into my DMs and we'll talk.

On May 24, the first 15,000 fans will receive a canvas print of David Ortiz. This could be pretty cool! It could also be an affront to canvas prints everywhere. It'd be nice if there was a preview of the print available on the promotions page, but alas, you'll just have to wait and see whether you're getting something you can hang up or something you'll keep rolled up in the closest because you love Papi too much to toss it.

My hope is that this is a canvas print of one of his great homers, maybe of this photo in particular...

ALCS - Detroit Tigers v Boston Red Sox - Game Two Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

...and not one of those like, Baseball Player Behind Faded Silhouette Of The American Flag And An Eagle designs.

On June 21, you can get a Papi Gnome if you're on the first 15,000 in attendance. This is the image included with that date:

On July 26, you will be able to Build-A-Papi if you're one of the --- you guessed it -- first 15,000 to show up to the park. This is presumably like Build-A-Bear, except prone to bat flips. On August 9, you can get a David Ortiz bobblehead, but it's not just any bobblehead: it talks. I know just what it should -- but absolutely will not -- say:

September is the only month without an Ortiz-specific promotion, but don't worry: the Sox will do something special for him that month, and being in attendance for that will be its own gift.