10 ways to survive a Red Sox slump

The Red Sox have had a tough first month-plus by their standards, entering Thursday's off-day two games under .500, but it’s important to remember that the season lasts so long it will eventually make you scream. Here is a handy guide to staying sane when Wade Miley is inevitably being pummeled in the first inning of some dreary May affair, pushing you toward the abyss before Memorial Day.

1. Don’t tweet
Respect.

2. Look at the calendar
If the puppy/firefighter/bikini model on your calendar isn’t posing above the word "June," you’re better off ogling them than setting the Internet afire with your turgid opinion.

3. Take a walk
Did you know that a brisk walk is as good for your heart as a jog? That’s what the instruction manual for my fitness watch says, and I believe it. I don’t know why, but I do. [Editor's note: It's also much easier on your knees and back!]

4. Write a book
It would take you years and potentially make you go insane, but it could also make you very rich. The real problem is that all your friends will ask you about it and make you self-conscious about not working on it enough, but it’ll all work out if you just stick with it.

5. Smoke hella weed (if you’re allowed by law)
You will stop freaking out. I promise. At least about the Red Sox. The cops are another matter.

6. Play sports
Anyone who has driven from New York to Connecticut on I-95 knows that the toll booths have stickers that say "Do sports, not drugs." If the high way isn’t an option, take the highway.

7. Go to China
It will be really hard to get Red Sox news there as long as you’re committed to doing interesting things while you’re abroad, and there’s enough to see in any one or two places that your schedule should be pretty full. Limit yourself to two or three Red Sox games, if you can find them.

8. Lecture people
This is my favorite option. If you feel impotent in the face of the Sox’ struggles, you can write any number of articles telling people how to root for their favorite team, as if you have any damn business doing it.

9. Be honest
If a playoff odds report has you at 46 percent to make the playoffs before Memorial Day, there is no reason to channel Shaughnessimmons, the lizard god of hot takes.

10. Learn a language
I recommend German. The next time you don’t laugh at a joke that involves someone speaking German will be the first. Even if you can only nail an exaggerated accent, the effect is the same.