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An urgent message from a former Red Sox fan

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Bryan Joiner has something to tell all of you American-based Red Sox fans.

Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

Greetings, Americans! I hear that your precious "Rosso" Sox have won several games in a row. Good for them! Us Romans know that nothing is permanent, and that these games, too, will be lost to history, like the civilizations we wiped out so many years ago in building the greatest empire the world has ever seen!

Of course, we have lost, too; our city has been sacked more often than we care to count, or more regularly than your precious Pierzynski has drawn an unintentional walk. We toast to their memories with our Montepulcianos (Montepulciani? Montes-Pulciano?) above our plates of cacio e pepe. What have you, Boston, but baked beans and Fenway franks?

What do you know of empires?

We have an ancient colosseo as well, you know. Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

I was once like you. As recently as a week ago, I was your average Boston-born single guy, my life tethered to the strikes and balls of your precious pastime. Now? Now I'm a married man, an enlightened man, a soon to be full of wine and cheese man, celebrating my new life in a place that cares not for your obsession with televised sports and David Price's childish antics.

To be sure, many of you will say that I, like so many Americans before me, am in love with an illusion, and that the Rome I know as a tourist is not the same as every day Rome, and my effusion is nothing more than the narcissistic rambling of a poorly traveled man. Pardon me if I disagree -- I am merely a parody of that at best, and likely a not very good one.

But consider this: Since I left your country, the previously putrid Sox have not lost a game. Correlation does not equal causation only in that it does not necessarily do so; it is possible that my leaving your US of A is just what the Sox needed to turn things around. So in the spirit of doing all you can, please donate to the "Keep Bryan in Italy" fund, and keep your boys rolling! We will take payments of all kinds.

If the Sox lose, you have no one to blame but yourselves.