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Tigers 3, Red Sox 0: John Lackey swears vengeance upon treasonous lineup

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The Red Sox have let John Lackey down once again, prompting the starting pitcher to turn to dark powers as he exacts vengeance on the team's hitters.

Jim Rogash

John Lackey has sworn vengeance after the Red Sox' hazing of their most effective starting pitcher reached a new level in a 3-0 loss to the Tigers Monday afternoon.

In a statement released to the press shortly after the end of the ninth inning written in what we can only assume is his own blood, Lackey said that "the ceaseless provocation of this group of petty, spiteful vermin has pushed me to my limit and beyond. Now I must respond."

"We can no longer continue to pretend that this is random chance, or base incompetence on the part of you so-called 'hitters' after today's events," added Lackey, citing three separate situations where the Red Sox put the first two batters of the inning on against Doug Fister before failing to score, as well as their general track record behind other starting pitchers. "No longer content to simply deny me any support, you actually chose to taunt me, showing what you were capable of before pulling the rug out from underneath. You will come to regret this as the worst decision of your lives."

Lackey's teammates returned to the clubhouse to find pictures of themselves and their families hung in their lockers, their faces scratched away. Jarrod Saltalamacchia, who dropped down an unsuccessful bunt in one of those failed innings, also received a sealed envelope. The catcher left the clubhouse in a rush shortly after opening it, and has not been seen since. His car remains in the player's lot.

Lackey's Fenway locker has been emptied of its usual contents, replaced with what appears to be a ritual sacrifice of a dirt-covered hen. Featured prominently in the display is the number 91.

Ten minutes after Jarrod Saltalamacchia's departure, the lights in the clubhouse began to flicker and strange noises were heard, causing a stampede for the exit. Three players--David Ortiz, Mike Napoli, and Will Middlebrooks--were still inside when the doors to the clubhouse slammed shut by themselves. Attempts to free the players have so far been unsuccessful, but manager John Farrell says he expects all three to start against Max Scherzer despite the blood-curdling screams coming from inside.

The Red Sox will play game two against the Tigers Tuesday night at 7:10 p.m. EST.