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Predicting The Rest of The Red Sox Off-Season

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There are 27 days left until pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training. Here is what will happen on each one.

Derick E. Hingle-US PRESSWIRE

There is less than a month remains before pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers, Florida for Spring Training. The report date is February 10, which thank the baseball gods is coming up quickly. Needless to say (but obviously not to write) there is much to do between now and then. With that in mind, here’s a quick run-down of how the rest of the Red Sox off-season will go.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

For the 100th day in a row Ben Cherington tries to call Mike Napoli's agent but the call still won't go through. Drat, thinks Cherington as he crosses it off his list and pencils it in for tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Bill James sets to work on a project to determine the value in wins of Dustin Pedroia's awesomeness. When trying to total it all up his calculator breaks.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

The Nationals offer first baseman/outfielder Michael Morse to the Red Sox for a relief pitcher. "Oh no," said Ben Cherington. "I don't swing that way."

Friday, January 18, 2013

During a Q 'n A, new manager John Farrell is asked about the importance of the relationship between manager and pitching coach. "Do I have a pitching coach yet?" asks Farrell.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Mike Napoli tells his agent to begin negotiating through the media. In an obvious bit of miscommunication Mike Napoli's agent begins negotiating with the media. Days later Napoli signs a two-year deal with the Miami Herald.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

It is revealed that Rubby De La Rosa used to be Pedro Martinez's house cat. When asked about it, De La Rosa responds, "Meow."

Monday, January 21, 2013

David Ortiz bakes a Soufflé. It is excellent. He takes it out of the oven and double points to the sky.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

When asked on the radio in front of thousands of listeners, Curt Schilling predicts "the Red Sox will finish in last place. Totally. Bottom of the barrel." Added Schilling, "Straight up last place. And there is no context for this whatsoever." Later a perturbed Schilling will claim he was quoted out of context.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The silver lining in not having many good players comes once every other year when nobody on the Red Sox makes the World Baseball Classic rosters.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The guy who plays Wally the Green Monster resigns when he learns that, actually, the job is to not scare the crap out of small children.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Leaving a South End restaurant new closer Joel Hanrahan trips over his goatee. When asked about the incident, every closer ever said, "Awesome."

Saturday, January 26, 2013

The Red Sox sign Casey Kotchman to back up first base. As a joke Kotchman sends his identical twin brother, an accountant, to Spring Training on the first day. Nobody notices.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Alfredo Aceves begins to wind down the off-season coach disrespecting practice that he runs in Arizona for young players. "It's important to give back to the younger guys just coming up," says Aceves while practicing his trademarked eye roll.

Monday, January 28, 2013

I start a contest wherein one special fan will get to live out his or her dream of going to the MLB Fan Cave and screaming obscenities at everyone until security throws them out.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

During an interview with fellow starter Jon Lester, John Lackey swears, spits on the reporter, pees on himself, and says how much he hates the city of Boston. "Isn't this guy terrific?" says Lester.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Trying to get his car registered, Ryan Dempster drives around for six hours unable to get to the downtown RMV. When asked about it, he says, "Everyone told me the AL East was harder but I didn't believe it until today."

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Upon meeting, Shane Victorino and Dustin Pedroia hold an impromptu awesome-off. They both win.

Friday, February 1, 2013

John Farrell attends an awards banquet and brings the house down when he successfully teaches Mayor Menino to throw a swing-and-miss cutter.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

After three solid years of growth, Clay Buchholz's facial hair officially becomes a beard.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Attempting to answer a call from manager John Farrell, Daniel Bard accidentally swallows the phone.

Monday, February 4, 2013

The Red Sox and Mike Napoli finally agree on a contract. The deal is for negative two years but will pay Napoli $16 million per season. This is called flexibility. Hours later Napoli signs with the Rangers for one positive year and $13 million. John Farrell immediately calls him to try to teach him the cutter.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Dustin Pedroia accepts the third annual Dustin Pedroia Award given each year to Dustin Pedroia in front of his bathroom mirror.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Red Sox pitcher Steven Wright shows up early for Spring Training. He tells Ben Cherington "I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight and the people who live above me are furious." Cherington sends him back to Triple-A.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Red Sox begin packing everything up that they will need in Florida. Dustin Pedroia packs Terry Francona.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Detroit Tigers pitchers and catchers report. Unsigned, Rafael Soriano reports anyway. The Tigers shut him out. He stands and shouts, "You know you want me! You know it's gonna happen!" through the closed gate.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Jacoby Ellsbury shows up early for Spring Training in his new car, a fully armored Popemobile.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Spring Training officially begins! Hooray!