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Red Sox Seek Compensation From Theo Epstein

In a new twist to the Theo Epstein compensation talks, the Red Sox have turned away from seeking restitution from the Cubs after Chris Carpenter's surgery, and instead are seeking personal compensation from Theo Epstein after his performance in his last two offseasons with the club.

"While we're not claiming that Theo was in any way complicit in some sort of conspiracy to harm the Red Sox before leaving for the Cubs," said a representative of the Fenway Sports Group, "we also aren't saying he wasn't."

Citing the signings of Carl Crawford, John Lackey, Mike Cameron, and Bobby Jenks, John Henry and co. argue that Theo not only failed to live up to the requirements of his contract, but may even have acted specifically to undermine the organization at the behest of a mysterious master referred to only as "the Big Apple."

If this is found to be the case, the Sox believe they could be entitled to some or all of the millions of dollars promised to the aforementioned players.

When asked about the possibility that he may have acted in ill faith in his final years with the team, Epstein laughed maniacally and asked reporters if they had "any idea how deep this thing goes" before driving his pinstriped Bugatti Veyron to a waiting private jet supplied by KFC.