clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Tom and John's Big Adventures

New, comment

Marc thinks I'm not intolerably unfunny. I know this because he occasionally sends me off-beat articles that we should mention here at OTM (motto: for five dollars we'll tell you our motto). It's his ingenious way of covering something without really covering it. The latest in the series is this article, which tells the story of the intrepid owners of some poor football (read: soccer) club who gave a lucrative contract to the subject of a faked YouTube video. This would all be the funnier if the duped duo in question weren't the very owners of your Boston Red Sox.

At this point you can probably see what the chef is cooking.

* * *

Tom Werner: Hey, John! [sits down at desk]
John Henry: Hi Tom. What can I help you with?
Tom Werner: I just saw the most amazing thing!
John Henry: Let me guess. It's a flying car that runs on cat poop and emits gold exhaust.
Werner: Yes! I have to buy one!
Henry: That's a cartoon, Tom.
Werner: Really? How can you tell?
Henry: Because it's a drawing. Did you not notice the car is driven by a mouse wearing a cape?
Werner: Now that you mention it, I did find that odd.
Henry: Yes, well...
Werner: [calls secretary] Martha, I'm going to need you to cancel a few checks for me...

* * *

Werner: You have to call him! Right now!
Henry: I am calling him!
[phone rings]: Cuban here.
Henry: Mark, hi, it's John Henry.
Cuban: Hi John. Still trying to market those Acme Portable Holes?
Henry: I'm not at liberty to say, Mark, but do let me know if you are interested in joining me at Amway. My offer stands.
Cuban: Nope. Never. So, what's up?
Henry: I saw this thing...
Cuban: Uh oh.
Henry: Let me finish, I saw this scouting video that, as owner of the Dallas Mavericks, I think you really should see. I'm having my technology department encrypt it and e-fax it to you immediately.
Cuban: Oh, uh, great.
Henry: [pause] Did you get it?
Cuban: Yup.... let's see... [watches]
Henry: Those guys are incredible talents, aren't they? I'm certain that both could be huge assets to you and the Mavericks in your quest to bring a championship to Dallas.
Cuban: John... those "guys" are Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. And that scouting video is a commercial for McDonalds hamburgers. ... John?
Henry: [shakes fist] WER-NER!!

[phone rings]
Henry: Hello?
Werner: Hi, John.
Henry: What's going on, Tom?
Werner: [inaudible]
Henry: WHAT'S GOING ON, TOM?
Werner: [inaudible]
Henry: TURN THAT DAMN MUSIC DOWN, MAN!
Werner: Sorry. I just get so into that song. [sings] Girl, you know it's true! Troo-oo-oo...
Henry: Tom?
Werner: I love yooo!
Henry: Tom?
Werner: That music is just... so real! It cuts me to my core!
Henry: Tom?
Werner: It speaks to me! That's actually what I called to tell you about. I've got to find this band and sign them to a lucrative contract. I've got to do it, John!
Henry: That band is Milli Vanilli, Tom.
Werner: You know their name?! Alright! This makes signing them so much easier!

* * *

Werner: Hello?
Henry: Hi Tom.
Werner: Are you on your way, yet?
Henry: No, if you can believe that.
Werner: What's the problem?
Henry: It's my jet. It's in the shop again.
Werner: What's wrong with it?
Henry: It's invisible again and nobody can find the attractive woman in the nationalistic yet vaguely fascist-looking leotard to fix it.
Werner: That seems to happen a lot, doesn't it?
Henry: Well, now that you mention it, every single time since I bought the thing.
Werner: That's awful.
Henry: Maybe the worst part is I have my body guard, John McClane, on call from his job.
Werner: Is that the guy you hired after seeing him in that documentary about fighting terrorists?
Henry: "Die Hard 6: Die-r Hard-est-er"?
Werner: That's the one. Say, what were you on your way to do with your airplane, anyway?
Henry: I'm on a scouting mission.
Werner: Doesn't our scouting department usually handle that?
Henry: They do, but this is different. This is such an elite talent that I'm not even sure I can trust anyone else to see him.
Werner: Do you have a video?
Henry: Sure. Here it is.
Werner: Incredible! A rabbit who can play every single position?
Henry: He can pitch and catch simultaneously.
Werner: Simultaneously pitching and catching rabbits are the new market inefficiency.