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World History According to Tim Wakefield: Past, Present, and Future

Tim Wakefield's career has included many a peak and many a trough—and much of it has been done in one of the most grueling crucibles in professional sports, the greater Boston area. Surprisingly, however, Wake has done a good job in staying out of the public eye except on days he pitches, when somebody else chooses to call attention to one of his charitable endeavors, or he does a promo vid for his team (by the way, Wake's still waiting for some potato salad).

However, a little investigative research using the power of teh Google, along with a glimpse into the future courtesy of some notes left by a ranting, fez-wearing madman with a box, we can piece together some of the amazing things Wakefield's done (and will do) that have never before been revealed:

  • 1513: During an encounter with Wakefield outside what would later become St. Augustine, Florida, a misunderstanding by a Spanish translator leads Ponce de Leon to search for a "fountain of youth." 
  • 1722: Inspired by the motion of Wakefield's knuckler, a British metalsmith designs the first "Brown Bess" musket.
  • 1822: Wakefield shares his knowledge of demotic script with Jean-François Champollion, who uses it to unlock the mysteries of the Rosetta Stone.
  • 1844: After years of watching weak grounders go between the second and third baseman, Wakefield encourages Alexander Cartwright to include what is now known as the shortstop as a ninth man on the roster.
  • 1882: Henri Poincaré, on a trip to the U.S., sees Wakefield pitch; he goes on to develop chaos theory the following year.
  • 1968: Wakefield is left off the All-Star roster for a record thirty-fifth season in a row.
  • 1971: Wakefield, tired of having to bat when all he wanted to do is pitch, starts an underground campaign to create a "designated hitter." Sadly, his proposal is adopted only by the AL, meaning he has to wait nearly a quarter-century before he can (mostly) put away the bat.
  • 2014: Wakefield becomes the oldest pitcher to throw a no-hitter, blanking the Seattle Mariners, who then stumble into a mind-boggling 436 game losing-streak.
  • 2019: Theo Epstein offers Wakefield the first-ever perpetual contract, with no expiration date.
  • 2026: Wakefield becomes the first 60-year-old to play in a Major League Baseball game.
  • 2034: Wakefield teaches Jon Lester, Jr. how to throw a knuckleball. In 2035 Lester, Jr., wins the first of eight consecutive AL Cy Young awards. 
  • 2061: Wakefield becomes the first pitcher to win against the New York Yankees 250 times, recording a complete-game shutout. Catcher Dustin Pedroia III records the final out on a pop-up from 87-year-old Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.
  • 2107: Wakefield instructs newly-promoted reliever Daniel Bard V on how to throw a knuckleball. Bard V becomes the first pitcher in history to throw 200 consecutive no-hit innings. (He also becomes the first pitcher in history to throw a 100-mph knuckler.)
  • 2161: Wakefield becomes the first pitcher in history to start 5,000 games with the same franchise. He is also the only player in history with 2,000, 3,000, or 4,000 starts with a single club.
  • October 2245: Wakefield throws the first pitch in a World Series game not played on planet Earth, as the Boston Red Sox face off against the Craters of New Mars Colony.
  • 3473: Wakefield turns down the job offer of being the Milky Way's ambassador to the Andromeda Galaxy when he realizes it means he won't be available to pitch for the Sox during the regular season.