The current All Star format has become tiresome. Since it’s essentially random as to who wins the game and therefore who gets home field advantage in the World Series (the more I think about this idea the dumber it seems), any old idea won't alter the chances of either league winning. So I propose we change things up. I’m not talking about U.S. vs. The World rosters or East vs. West or anything lame like that. I’m talking about really shaking things up.
But before we get to the specifics, it should be noted that Matty’s Baseball All Star Game, as this will heretofore be known, will be preceded by the Bunt Bowler. The Bunt Bowler will use the same participants as the Home Run Derby but instead of trying to hit homers the sluggers will have a bunt-off. While wearing Bowler hats. Like this one. Don’t forget about the fundamentals! They’ll also be required to consume thirty-two ounces of Dr. Bergingtondorfer’s Olde Tymey Semi-Potable Medicine-Like Solution. It increases mental acuity, decreases acne, and increases the chances of arguing about the debt ceiling with an eight-foot tall talking gopher. Comes in two flavors: under part of a subway trellis and hobo fingernails. (Warning: has been known to cause accidental death syndrome)
Here now, is the proposed format for Matty’s Baseball All-Star Game.
To avoid boredom, I propose each inning be in a different format. The preferred order is below.
1. Mascot Inning – Each team’s mascot will play the field and hit. For clarification purposes, all of the Brewers sausages will be permitted to play simultaneously. However, none of the Nationals presidents will be allowed since they're just a blatant ripoff of the Sausages. The Nationals will therefore have to use Jim Bowden. Since the Yankees don’t have a mascot they can use Derek Jeter, provided he wears a furry, bulbous Derek Jeter head over his actual head. Either that or bring back Youppi.
2. Actual Baseball Inning – This inning will be played completely normally. Its results will be eliminated from the game's record.
3. Pitchers Bat And Batters Pitch Inning– Since the NL loves them some pitchers batting, why not take it a step further and make an inning out of it? So, all pitchers will hit and play the field while all fielders will only pitch. Fans watching will think, "Hey, I could do that!" because they actually could. We can ratchet up the randomness factor by requiring all players to use their non-dominant hands.
4. Old Timers Inning – This inning will feature the same players as on the regular All Star rosters but with the help of Hollywood’s best make-up artists, each will be caked in make up to look like old versions of themselves. Some will also be given arthritis. On the plus side, incontinence will be encouraged.
5. The Joe Buck/Tim McCarver Inning – All plays will be valued at the value ascribed to them by Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. So, the most valuable thing a batter can do is sacrifice bunt. This will be worth four runs. A triple, the most exciting play in baseball (Copyright 2011, Everyone Ever) will be worth three runs. A steal will be worth two runs, unless the runner is thrown out. Then it will only be worth one. Anything by any St. Louis Cardinals player will be worth six runs. Striking a hitter out is show-offy and will be counted as one run against the pitcher. Additionally, anyone who attempts to pad their stats can add up to negative ten runs to their team's score.
6. The Manager Throws a Tantrum Inning – This inning will be played normally except each manager is required to come out and argue a call at some point. Points will be awarded for the legitimacy of the argument, the number of swear words uttered in any given sixty second sequence, the number of items kicked while within camera shot, as well as general presentation (hat tossing, number of face color changes, base kicking, ounces of spittle emitted, pieces of clothing left on the field, etc.).
7. The Commercial Inning – The game will be played normally however nobody will see it as every second of the inning and every inch of the TV screen will be covered with advertisements. Often events will be co-sponsored by competing companies, like the Verizon Call to the Bullpen, Brought to you by AT&T or the Pepsi Stupid Stat of the Inning, sponsored by Coke.
8. Cooking! – First one to correctly prepare a soufflé wins!
9. Lightning round! – All players are eligible, including any players previously removed from the game, but all players are only available for one pitch. Also, there is a three second time limit between pitches.
Extra Innings – All extra innings will be played under Bud Selig Inning rules, meaning sponsors get to chose the rules meaning sponsors want that which best sells products meaning players will play football.
There. Something for everyone. Sponsors get more ads, casual fans get excitement and intrigue with a minimal amount of actual baseball, stat heads and intelligent analysis get completely ignored, and my mom gets to watch some cooking. Everyone wins.