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Time For Chicago To Settle Its Debt

Bobby Valentine is introduced as the new manager for the Boston Red Sox during a press conference at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
Bobby Valentine is introduced as the new manager for the Boston Red Sox during a press conference at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
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Glad that's done. Six weeks after manager Terry Francona was let go, the Red Sox installed his replacement yesterday. Now that Bobby Valentine is in place, the fog dissipates somewhat and we can start to see what was really going on. Sure, the Never Ending (Manager Searching) Story got us a new manager, but that wasn't its main goal. No. What the manager search intended to accomplish was far more sinister, far more secretive, and far more manipulative than just naming a manager. I speak, of course, of redirecting everyone's attention away from a vastly more important, and far more serious matter: compensation for losing Theo Epstein.

As we all know, losing Theo, or as some liars and thieves have characterized it, "letting him leave", was a body blow to the team, the organization, the region as a whole, and to several squirrels who depended on him throwing leftover sandwich bits out his Fenway Park window. Without Theo those squirrels are either going to have to eat acorns -- thereby defying the very laws of nature! -- or move to Chicago and hope to find an affordable tree limb within shouting distance of Wrigley Field. Do you have any idea how difficult it can be for a squirrel to move across the country in this economy?

But it isn't only squirrels who are taking the brunt of this. The Sox' bottom line is going to get killed now that they don't have Theo to market around anymore. That's right, New England, no more Theo Epstein themed t-shirts, socks with Theo's smiling mug, mugs with Theo's smiling mug, and Theo's own brand of breakfast cereal (The O's). Then there's the line of infant merchandise which included Theo's Potty Success! series of videos (100% guaranteed), shirts, bibs, and infant hats, and of course who can forget Theo's line of led-filled Chinese toys for babies. Where are the Sox going to recoup the funds from that lost revenue stream? If things continue as they are now, Carl Crawford is going to have to get a second job to pay off Carl Crawford's contract.

Then there were the kids. The little children of New England were so upset when Theo left town that they spontaneously stood in a the streets crying little salty tears of truth while holding long white candles on shiny silver trays. That's decades of therapy right there. Who, might I inquire, is going to pay for that? I interviewed one of those crying cherubs but the interview wasn't much of a success. All the rosy cheeked child could say between sobs was "Garza... Garza!"

The loss of Theo Epstein was devastating not only to the Red Sox baseball operations department, but to greater New England as a whole. We knew that, but I'm not sure we all knew the extent of the devastation. No return could ever be enough for our Theo. No amount of money, no amount of talent, no massive amount of money or massive amount of talent could ever fill the void left in our hearts, our souls, and our very consciousness. Theo was not only a great man, but a great man whose value can't possibly be overstated. He's worth more than a giant cookie, more than a 20% off your dry cleaning, more than that used Chevette your room mate has been trying to get rid of, and more than that picture of your ex-girlfriend doing that thing that she used to do*. In fact, he's worth more than all of those things put together.


Like the rare Samurai pen, Theo's value is beyond estimation. Matt Garza plus a gold brick for everyone who lives in New England and/or has ever placed a Red Sox hat upon their head couild jumpstart the discussion though.

I hereby call upon the Chicago Cubs to pay for what they've taken from all of us. Do it because it's right, do it because it's just. Do it for the children. And do it kinda soon so we can all start talking about something that matters.