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Ten Lesser Known Candidates For Red Sox Manager

By Matthew Kory Updated
Who will replace Terry Francona? It's a good bet it won't be any of these guys.
Who will replace Terry Francona? It's a good bet it won't be any of these guys.

With our ears on the prize,  our eyes to the speaker of a phone, and our finger in our nose (we're not too smart), our crack staff of crack smokers here at OTM have done some old fashioned investigative report'n. We checked in on teh Red Sox search for a new manager and learned of a few of the lesser, under reported candidates for the position.

  1. Robin Ventura - Kenny Williams' excessive peyote use finally paid off as he snuck Ventura out from under the noses of both the Red Sox and the mall Radio Shack.
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  2. Herman Cain - He's currently the leading candidate despite nobody in the Red Sox front office having ever heard of him.
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  3. Trey Hillman - Terry Francona was a disaster in his first managerial job. Trey Hillman was a disaster in his first managerial job (Kansas City). Burt Reynolds has a mustache. Trey Hillman has a mustache. Joe Torre was a Hall of Fame manager who won multiple World Series championships. Trey Hillman pranced around the clubhouse in his birthday suit, Chinese Health Balls available for viewing.
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  4. David Ortiz - Apparently his first interview consisted only of gum chewing punctuated by cries of, "Aceves, yo!" at the top of his lungs.
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  5. Jack McKeon - These days someone has to whip all these young whippersnappers into shape, by gum! Say, that reminds me of a story...
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  6. Kenny Williams - YOU CAN'T PREDICT KENNY WILLIAMS.
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  7. A Yacht Ladder - John Henry wasn't just hanging out on his yacht, that was an interview!
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  8. #occupymanagersoffice - What can 10,000 unemployed young people coated in "hemp" do with a $160 million baseball team? We don't know but we bet it involves chanting rhyming slogans and pooping in buckets.
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  9. Sarah Palin - [ed. note: pulled out of the race]
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  10. Buck Showalter - His particular kind of genius can certainly handle managing two teams simultaneously (to 65-97 records), and how dare you deem to suggest otherwise! No, don't try to back out of it, that look in your eyes was obvious. He'll just wait by the phone for the inevitable phone call from SI for a feature that will undoubtedly be titled, "Is This Man Too Smart For Everything Ever? Double Duh!"

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