Even after last night's satisfying win, I find myself wanting to communicate certain things to certain members of the Red Sox organization.
Dear Jacoby Ellsbury,
Hey buddy. Love the stolen bases, and your theft of home against the Yankees will be one that is repeated in our minds all season. You've done an excellent job holding down CF for us, and you seem like a great kid.
That being said, I'm going to need you to take some walks. Not just for my sake. There are a lot of Sox fans wishing only for "patience for Jacoby Ellsbury" for birthday or anniversary gifts this year.
And it's for your sake too. I don't want you to have to change your last name to Pierre.
This is fun. Ready for another?
Dear Javier Lopez,
Hey man, just me again. Just wondering if you've forgotten that the idea of a reliever is to get outs, and not to give out as many walks as possible.
I've defended you in the past, because I always thought you'd be good for a groundball in a pinch, or as someone to soak up innings when we didn't want to use our good relievers. But at this point, Hunter Jones and Daniel Bard are pretty much breathing down your neck. It can't feel good.
I don't know if you knew this, but the Sox are off for the next couple of days, and after that we'll actually be playing in Pawtucket. Ask Lou Merloni, he'll tell you how to get there.
P.S. How was that stint in the outfield the other day? Great, right? Tell the Sox you want to go all Ankiel on the league and ask for your unconditional release. You know you have my support.
One more? Sure.
Dear Brad Penny,
Hey. Y'know, we kind of need to see something great out of you tomorrow, unless you want your "What I did on my summer vacation" paper to be REALLY long.
Last, for sure.
Hey T-dog. I just had a procedural question for you. Is it absolutely illegal to have your 5-hitter bat 1st and 3rd in the lineup as well? I'm sure there are some great ghost runners that we could sign from my old neighborhood, and you'd still have a L-R balance in the lineup. Hey, at least think about it.