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Millions shocked at Yankees' tarnished season

NEW YORK - Chaos ensued in New York City tonight after a rough start by New York Yankees' pitcher CC Sabathia resulted in the Bronx Bombers' first loss of the season.

Sabathia allowed six runs in 4.1 innings against the Orioles who went on to easily win the game 10-5. As soon as the game finished, a state of emergency was issued in New York.

"At this time we feel the best course of action would be to bring the state police in to patrol the streets for the next 48 hours," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg. "Our resources will be maxed out, but we feel it's 100 percent necessary."

Many fans took to the streets after the epic loss.

"I just can't believe it. We worked so hard this offseason and now it's over. It's all over," said 27-year-old fan Nicolas Richard. "I won't be able to watch SportsCenter for at least three months."

Since the loss, 32 deaths have been reported in the city. Thirty-one of those people were wearing some kind of Yankee apparel, including four with "Sabathia" authentic jerseys. The last death was of a Ben James, a 24-year-old Red Sox fan. The cause of death is unknown at this point, but witnesses say he laughed to death when Sabathia was pulled from the game.

Despite 161 games remaining on the schedule, Yankee fans are struggling to grasp tonight's events.

"When's the firesale start?" asked Mike Thompson, 38. "Why carry this payroll during a losing season? It's hopeless. Let's just trade for some overhyped prospects, get all our money back and then spend it wisely this offseason. Hey! I hear Matt Holliday might be available!"

Tammy Wayne, an advertising director for a company in New York, was speechless for 20 straight minutes after the game.

"..." she shook her head. "...what happened?"

With the Yankees 0-1 to start the season, John Pazzari, a plumber, was confused after the loss.

"Wait. If they lost, how are they going to go 162-0?" he said. "I'm no math wizard, but I'm pretty sure it's almost close to impossible to go undefeated after losing a couple of games."

Word of the outcry quickly reached Baltimore, where both Sabathia and Yankees head coach Joe Girardi issued statements.

"This is obviously not something we planned for," Girardi said. "I was told that money buys happiness and ... I'm just not happy right now. I was lied to.

"This is an organization that prides itself on two things: money and mon-- I mean, winning. And when the latter is compromised because of the former, it's just bad. This is not the Yankee way and I apologize."

Sabathia, with his left arm wrapped in ice, held together by dollar bills stapled together, wasn't happy with his performance.

"I thought I was a good pitcher. I want all the Yankee fans out there to believe me when I say that. But, c'mon. I was an Indian. I was a Brewer, for christ's sake!" he said. "How the hell can they give me that type of money and not expect me to suck?"

Mark Teixeira, who was projected to hit 162 home runs this season by most intelligent Yankee fans, also met with the press after the game.

"I blame my wife," Teixeira said, who went 0-for-4 on the day. "If it wasn't for her, I'd be a Red Sox and bashing home runs and drinking whiskey before games. What the hell is so great about New York?"

Alex Rodriguez, who was considered the Yankee savior before he played a single game in pinstripes, issued a statement via e-mail to multiple New York press outlets after the game.


Editor's Note: I tried my damnedest to write like my satire hero, E-Coli. If I failed epicly, just put a picture from fail blog in the comments. I'll understand.