clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Steinbrenner


[via ]

With all the hoopla over the Celtics, you might forget that the Sox won a well-pitched game last night, or that they remain atop the AL East. Unless you are the man pictured above, that is. In honor of the Sox divisional lead, I wrote the following:


The Steinbrenner

        (with apologies to the non-baseball playing Kenny Rogers )



On a warm summer’s night

On a train bound for Tampa,

I met up with a Steinbrenner

I was too amused to speak.


So we took turns a starin’

At American League standings,

‘Til frustration overtook him

And he began to weep.


He said, "Theo, I’ve made a living

Out of yelling at my workers,

And feeding off the fear I see,

Coming from their eyes."


"But if you don’t mind my saying,

You can see I’m out of aces .

So I promise not to hurt you,

If you give me some advice."


Well I tried to run for safety,

But he beat me to the doorway.

Then he took a coil of rope,

And tied me to my seat.


And the train got extra sullen,

And his face turned deadly crimson.

Said "If I’m gonna play the game, boy,

I’m gonna learn to do it right."


"I gotta know when to draft ‘em,

Know when to trade ‘em,

Know when to yell and scream

And know who to fire."


"I’ll never trust a manager,

Who should’ve got Santana.

Now there’s time enough for Phil Hughes

Sitting on the bench ."


"Now every owner knows,

That the secret to survival,

Is knowing who to trade away,

And knowing who to keep."


" ‘Cause every team’s a winner,

But my team is a loser.

And the best that I can hope for

Is to die with thirty rings."


When he’d finished speaking, he turned back to the doorway,

Saw the policemen, and knew his time was up.

Now somewhere deep in prison, Steinbrenner is still steaming,

Knowing that he’ll never see another Series cup.


He doesn’t know when to draft ‘em,

Know when to trade ‘em,

Know when to yell and scream,

And know who to fire.


He shoulda got Santana,

‘Steada listening to the Cashman.

Now there’s time enough for Phil Hughes,

Sitting on the bench.