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BREAKING NEWS: ALCS "Not the WWF"

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By the Aggravated Press

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via cache.daylife.com

St. Petersburg, FL: In an early morning press conference, David "Big Papi" Ortiz discussed the American League Champsionship Series. He expanded upon his previous remarks, made Friday, about how the ALCS was "not the WWF."

"There's no bad blood. This is not the WWF. It's a baseball game, bro," Ortiz said on Friday. He reiterated that sentiment today: "Man, I don't know why you keep asking me this. This is just baseball, not the WWF."

Ortiz then raised the World Series trophy over his head, shouting "You want this?! You want this?! This trophy is MINE!!!"

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via blog.masslive.com

Ortiz's controversial remarks provoked outrage in some quarters.

John "The Trader" Henry called out Ortiz for his comments. "I OWN this team. Big Papi works for me, and he's shown me nothing but disrespect," the Red Sox principal owner said.

Henry then tore open his suit to reveal bulging muscles. "If Big Papi doesn't shape up, he'll be FIIIIIIRED," Henry asserted, gesticulating wildly.

In the Rays dugout, Carlos Pena addressed the subject. "The Pena believes - write this down - the Pena thinks that Big Papi is - write this down... Hold on a second... Do you like pie? You do... Alright, because the Pena thinks that you should bake the BIGGEST pie..."

Pena then told this reporter to do something anatomically impossible.

Some teammates of Big Papi had different opinions of the series. Mike Timlin, asked about possible bad blood between the Rays and Red Sox, stated, "Oh yes. Absolutely. There will be blood."

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via boston.redsox.mlb.com

Timlin then turned to Dustin Pedroia, and began to yell. "MO-MEN-TUM!! Momentum my boy!"

"If you have momentum, and I don't, then I reach... across the field... I suck your momentum," he continued.

"I... SUCK... YOUR... MOMENTUM!! I SUCK IT ALL!!!" Timlin declared.

"Stop bullying me!" retorted Pedroia.

Mike Timlin then threw Pedroia across the clubhouse.