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The Francona Rules.

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  1. This guy is the answer to Jonathan Papelbon's request to meet a closer who went a whole season without blowing a save AND for removing trash from the clubhouse. Nothing more.
  2. This guy is to be used when the requirements of the situation consist only of "brass balls".
  3. This guy should never be used ever unless it's okay for the opponent to lead off the inning with a walk. See also: Lester, Jon.
  4. This guy is a testically-charged spot starter. I have no clue as to the reason he is in the bullpen.
  5. This guy is the ultimate example of a "hot hand". Do not expect this inexplicable level of success to continue.
  6. Despite what his pitching hand tells you, this guy is for inducing groundballs from RHHs. He makes LHHs look better than *$15M right-fielders.
  7. This guy is actually the very best pitcher at resting completely until the playoffs start.
  8. This guy is the second coming of #2, circa 2003. Use accordingly. Also of note: he is not made of glass.
  9. This guy is for causing spontaneous urination in your opponent. Make sure he's ready to rock by the middle of the 8th inning in close games.
*We here at OTM do realize that this is not setting the bar very high.