Last week, we focused on the bright side.

But now is the opportunity to wallow in the misery that was the 2011 season. Consider this Baseball Festivus: time for the airing of the grievances portion with the worst moments of 2011. Feats of strength begin on Opening Day.

The purpose is not to stir up the negative emotions you have been in therapy for since September. The focus is on one final cathartic release of negativity, a eulogy of sorts, for the 2011 season and it's aftermath.

With Opening Day just 58 days away, let the anger out and let the healing begin.

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Marc thinks I'm not intolerably unfunny. I know this because he occasionally sends me off-beat articles that we should mention here at OTM (motto: for five dollars we'll tell you our motto). It's his ingenious way of covering something without really covering it. The latest in the series is this article, which tells the story of the intrepid owners of some poor football (read: soccer) club who gave a lucrative contract to the subject of a faked YouTube video. This would all be the funnier if the duped duo in question weren't the very owners of your Boston Red Sox.

At this point you can probably see what the chef is cooking.

* * *

Tom Werner: Hey, John! [sits down at desk]
John Henry: Hi Tom. What can I help you with?
Tom Werner: I just saw the most amazing thing!
John Henry: Let me guess. It's a flying car that runs on cat poop and emits gold exhaust.
Werner: Yes! I have to buy one!
Henry: That's a cartoon, Tom.
Werner: Really? How can you tell?
Henry: Because it's a drawing. Did you not notice the car is driven by a mouse wearing a cape?
Werner: Now that you mention it, I did find that odd.
Henry: Yes, well...
Werner: [calls secretary] Martha, I'm going to need you to cancel a few checks for me...

* * *

Werner: You have to call him! Right now!
Henry: I am calling him!
[phone rings]: Cuban here.
Henry: Mark, hi, it's John Henry.
Cuban: Hi John. Still trying to market those Acme Portable Holes?
Henry: I'm not at liberty to say, Mark, but do let me know if you are interested in joining me at Amway. My offer stands.
Cuban: Nope. Never. So, what's up?
Henry: I saw this thing...
Cuban: Uh oh.
Henry: Let me finish, I saw this scouting video that, as owner of the Dallas Mavericks, I think you really should see. I'm having my technology department encrypt it and e-fax it to you immediately.
Cuban: Oh, uh, great.
Henry: [pause] Did you get it?
Cuban: Yup.... let's see... [watches]
Henry: Those guys are incredible talents, aren't they? I'm certain that both could be huge assets to you and the Mavericks in your quest to bring a championship to Dallas.
Cuban: John... those "guys" are Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. And that scouting video is a commercial for McDonalds hamburgers. ... John?
Henry: [shakes fist] WER-NER!!

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There was debate over whether or not we should be doing this.

For a team that so many had picked to win the World Series because of their off-season acquisitions, a roster packed with talent, and a competent front-office, the 2011 Boston Red Sox seemed unstoppable, at least before the season started.

But let's face it: the unraveling of the 2011 season was an exercise in the proverbial crap hitting not just one fan, but multiple fans, simultaneously. And it culminated in one too many losses to make the playoffs, ending in heart-breaking fashion. And what followed were accusations about player's work ethics and coach's personal lives. And with 2011 signaling the end of an era with Theo Epstein and Terry Francona, it is easy to understand why the shadow cast over the 2011 season has been largely negative.

But while the destination of 2011 sucked, sometimes the journey was quite fun. There were unique and exciting moments in the 2011 season that seem bittersweet now when we look at them through the cynicism and disappointment that September created, but when those great moments are considered autonomously, they are just that: great moments that made watching the 2011 season enjoyable.

Looking at some of the best moments of 2011 is not meant to diminish the frustrations, issues, and sadness that were created by the struggles-- it's just an opportunity to celebrate some of the smaller victories of the season, lest we forget about them forever.

So with that, I bring you the Best Moments of 2011 (after the jump).

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Jose Canseco. There's a name you don't hear too often anymore. Well, not in baseball circles anyway. There was that time he got his butt kicked on pay-per-view TV. And that other time. But recently Jose has returned to his roots by getting his butt kicked on TV again. Then he was player/manager for the Yuma Scorpions, which I'm pretty sure features Bugs Bunny at first base, Bugs Bunny at second base, Bugs Bunny at third base [eight minutes pass] and Bugs Bunny on right bench.

So Jose's been busy. But now, he's ready to get all Roger Clemens on you and make a come back. And, for some reason he wants to do it with Boston. For serious. Here is how Jose's dogged pursuit of a tryout with the Red Sox might go down:

* * *

Receptionist: Hello, Boston Red Sox.
Jose Canseco: Hey, toots. I need to speak with Ben Churnbingson.
Receptionist: Hi, I'm a man, and I think you mean Ben Cherington.
Canseco: Right, toots. That's what I said. Ren Chorminggun.
Receptionist: Who is this?
Canseco: [long pause] John Horny.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Henry. I'll put you right through.
Canseco: See that you do!
Phone: [dial tone]

* * *

Jose Canseco: Listen, Mr. Cherington, I deserve a try-out. I hit .400 in ten years at Fenway with 100 homers in sixteen total at-bats. I stole twelveteen bases one day against the Yankees, and threw out gorkington base runners at home from the right field stands while playing left field. I hit a ball so far it went around the world and, a year later when I was playing outfield, landed on my head and popped over the wall for a homer. I once wrestled at great western horny toad to a draw with two arms pined behind my back. I...
Mall Parking Attendant: Can I help you?

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The Red Sox and Cubs have had some trouble getting together on compensation for the Red Sox loss of Theo Epstein. They've been talking for months now with no results. This might be how it went:

* * *

[phone rings]
Ben: Hello?
Theo: Hey Ben. How ya doing?
Ben: Hi Theo. Doing alright. Settling in. Yourself?
Theo: Just fine. Just fine. This whole Chicago thing is kinda weird. I mean, tomato sauce above the cheese?
Ben: [long pause] Um, ha.
Theo: Well, I guess we should get down to business then, huh?
Ben: Yeah. What were you thinking?
Theo: Well, the whole thing is a bit awkward. I mean, if you deserve compensation for losing me, then it can’t be much because I was terrible.
Ben: Are you kidding? You won two World Series here in Boston.
Theo: I was lucky.
Ben: You signed Ortiz, Millar, and Mueller.
Theo: Blind luck.
Ben: You traded for Schilling and signed Foulke.
Theo: Luckity luck luck luck.
Ben: Listen, Theo, luck or not, you were hugely successful. And look at us now. I mean, I’m totally in over my head without you here. I’m giving up potential starters for bullpen arms right and left. I’m about to spend $16 million on a 36 year old DH and the only thing stopping me from giving him even more is that I’m too afraid to actually talk to him. I frequently pee in the coffee maker. Even right now, just talking to you, I’m terrified.
Theo: You’ll be fine, Ben. You guys don’t need me at all. I was just dragging you down anyway.
Ben: Ridiculous. Well, anyway, let’s see what we can do about this compensation thing.
Theo: Alright. Do you have something in mind?
Ben: Yup.
Theo: Name it.
Ben: Starlin Castro.
Theo: [laughs] That's ridiculous.
Ben: OK, fine. What were you thinking?
Theo: Um, how about this half eaten bag of Skittles. I ate all the red ones out, but…
Ben: No way! We just lost the best GM in the game. We need compensation for our loss.
Theo: No, you lost an incompetent boob who used to poo in the janitor's closet.
Ben: Let's just talk about this later.

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One of our sister sites, MLB Daily Dish, has made a pretty handy reference guide for Red Sox fans. It's a complete organizational chart of the franchise, detailing not just the major league roster, but also the front office, and the entirety of the minor league system.

And really, it's not just that, either. The last three years of Baseball America top 10 prospect rankings are included. The year players become free agents, whether major or minor league. Arbitration status, salary, a color-coded key for player, mutual, vesting, or team options. The coaching staff and their positions. Whether a player is out of options, is a spring training non-roster invitee, their age... if it doesn't have everything, it sure is close.

It's not completely filled out yet -- not a surprise given the amount of information involved -- but it's already loaded up with tons of information. The goal here is to get this all in one place for easy reference, so next time you've got a question about contract status, salary, or any of the above, this is where you'll want to be looking.

[Update] MLB Daily Dish is aware of the mistakes in the organizational chart, and are working to fix them.

Moneyball was released on September 23rd of last year. Last night for the first time I sat on a squeaky gum-encrusted chair in a darkened theater with Brad Pitt's purposely pock-marked visor-shadowed shockingly Beane-like visage on the screen. There were tears, there were chairs thrown, there were computers with complicated baseball-looking yet sciencey images on their screens, and in between, here and there, there was some baseball. In short, everything you might hope Hollywood would add to a book ostensibly about on-base percentage.

The series of tubes spent a lot of virtual ink on Moneyball when it came out. There were articles and reviews in the mainstream media of course, but in our little corner of baseball dorkdom, people kinda freaked out. Maybe it was because someone from the outside actually paid some attention to us. Not only was this a movie about baseball, it was a movie about baseball STATS. And not only was it a movie about baseball stats, but it was a movie about baseball stats starring Brad Pitt. Seriously. You can't make that crap up.

Chances are good you know the story, but just in case... Pitt plays Billy Beane, GM of the small market A's who are in such trouble that they just won 102 games the previous season. Their payroll is ludicrously low and they're about to lose all their best players. They'll have to find replacements within their allotted budget. Aaaand... scene! Yes, that's really the entire plot. Can't you hear the chi-ching of the cash registers now? I can see the "Undervalued Asset" t-shirts, coasters, truckers hats, and edible underwear flying off the shelves. Yes, there is the part at the end where Beane gets the job offer from the Red Sox, which leads to possibly one of the most deflating Final Scenes in movie history wherein Beane and John Henry sip coffee and talk about how dumb everyone else is. Not that they were wrong. In the end Beane turns down $12.5 million from Henry and, as the movie says, the Red Sox won the World Series two years later. At that point a small portion of a movie theater in Portland, Oregon broke out in applause.

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Browsing the internet as I am wont to do, I came across this via Joy of Sox. For those of you who might be clicking impaired, it's an article from Nikkansports.com, a Japanese website. There really isn't much point in clicking it anyway, as the article looks like this:

As you can see, there is a picture of Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Red Sox prominently displayed. The discerning reader will also note the text is in Japanese. You and I may be different in this way, but I am not fluent in Japanese text. In fact, if, like me, you are a product of the American educational system it's a fair bet that you aren't fluent in English either, but I'll leave that be for now and focus on the point at hand.

To me, this article is 1) about a Red Sox player and 2) indecipherable gibberish. My under-educated brain is no more equipped to read Japanese than it is to write a thesis on World War One era Germany*.

*I actually did this as, through a clerical error, I attended an undergraduate institution that thought it "useful" and "educational" to physically force their students to write an 80 page theses. Compounding this problem I elected to write about a war whose meaning and overall global footprint was only exceeded by its ability to put undergraduates to sleep.

Enter the miracle that is Google Translate. Allan at Joy of Sox did the dirty work (in his words, "All I did was hit the, "Do you want to translate this?" button."). In doing so, he opened up a whole new world of entirely different indecipherable gibberish. That's because Japanese and English don't translate directly. But, that doesn't mean we can't figure out the meaning behind all this together and have a little fun in the process. Because if there is anything I've learned from watching mind-melting Saturday morning cartoons for hours upon hours at a time, learning is fun!

Lead on, me! OK!

(after the jumpy-jump)

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