Garbage garbage garbage.

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When a new manager is hired, there's always a breaking in period. The players get to know what he likes, what he values, and what he thinks is important just as he gets to know the players, and their strengths and weaknesses. The same is also true of fans. After eight years of Terry Francona at the helm, just seeing Bobby Valentine in the dugout could be a confusing and traumatic thing. Fortunately, Tim Britton, cognizant of all this invented garbage, has undertaken to learn him some Valentine using the virtual pages of The Providence Journal to do so. Specifically, Mr. Britton spoke with Valentine recently and found out something interesting: Valentine doesn't believe in pitch counts. Not like he doesn't believe in [cover your eyes, kids] Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy, but Valentine believes that different pitchers have different endurance thresholds. I have to say, that kind of nuance and subtlety is going to go over really well with some of the screamers on talk radio. Of course, there's some intended irony to that statement, as media screamer was actually Valentine's past job.

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We'll begin with something that is not a joke. The Yankees will release both a perfume and a cologne. Seriously. They are doing this because, presumably, they think people will buy them. And no, they don't smell like sweat, an Italian sub, resentment, old hot dogs, a swimming pool full of gold doubloons, anything having to do with George Costanza, anger, any personal drippings from Derek Jeter, entitlement, or barbecued centaur meat. The one for men is called "New York Yankees" which is a name I feel like I've heard before somewhere. This is a little like Ford calling their new car "Ford Car", NASA naming a new planet "Planet" or Oprah starting her own TV network and calling it "Oprah." I mean, it just isn't done! The one for women is called, and this is subtle so be prepared, "New York Yankees For Her." I assume the "For Her" refers to a woman you happen to be pointing at while reading the title.

This is certainly a target rich environment, and that's more than enough from me on the subject, so might I humbly suggest channeling any misplaced anger and/or jealousy you have towards said baseball franchise at this particular pursuit in the comments. Or, to put it more bluntly, three and a half cents to the best new slogan or take-off of "New York Yankees." The perfume, not the team.

Link time!

The secret is out. David Ortiz's arbitration hearing with the Red Sox has been scheduled for this Monday. If you sign up now you can buy tickets to see the hearing. Of course, by the time you actually get through the Red Sox virtual waiting room and buy the tickets, the hearing will long since have ended, so there's no point really. Also, in case you didn't guess, I just made all that up. In any case, WEEI.com's Alex Speier, discusses the pertinent issues at hand, the potential payday for Ortiz, what the arbitrator will be looking at, why your mommy never loved you, and the secret ingredient in your gram-gram's pot-roast. Fresh basil. Duh. How'd you not see that one coming?

More delicious links after the jump...

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Crazy unfunny garbage!

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Some actual baseball news: the Red Sox signed Australian teenager Daniel McGrath. The Globe has a piece here on the signing and Marc wrote about it here (with a video!) at OTM last night as well. Not much is known about McGrath. For instance, he may not exist. Or he might. It's unclear. He is either 7'3 tall or 3'7. It's unclear. His pet peeves are either dogs that believe in gods or gods that believe in dogs. It's unclear. Also, he may nor may not play baseball. It's unclear. My prediction for McGrath: he will be flummoxed by toilets that flush the 'wrong' way. This may nor may not matter. It's unclear.

Mike Andrews of Sox Prospects wrote about Xander Bogaerts, the 19 year old super-prospect in the Red Sox system for ESPN Boston. As Andrews notes, Bogaerts has the highest ceiling of any player currently in the Sox system. That alone should be impressive, but he's not just a set of tools. He's been successful at every level, despite being years younger than the competition. That is impressive and exciting. Bogaerts (that's B-O-G-A-E-R-T-S) is a name Sox fans should commit to memory.

Hardball Talk's Aaron Gleeman was the featured contributor in Baseball Prospectus's long running Baseball ProGuestus feature this week. Mr. Gleeman wrote about something the majority of Red Sox fans probably recall, the great Johan Santana sweepstakes of '07-'08. As Mr. Gleeman notes, some names that were mentioned as possibly going to Minnesota in exchange for Santana were Jon Lester, Jacoby Ellsbury, Clay Buchholz, and Justin Masterson. That's called dodging a bullet there, folks. It's true, sometimes the best deals you make are the ones you don't. Theo should get credit for holding on to his young talent, young talent that nobody would trade for even a healthy Johan Santana now.

OTM's own Marc Normandin, writing at Baseball Nation yesterday, penned this piece summing up the Red Sox rotation. If you've been reading OTM for a while you've probably read Marc discourse on a number of these topics, but this here puts them all in one convenient place, and at one convenient price, how could you not buy two?! Order now!!

We should all congratulate (and read) the newest member of the Platoon Advantage, OTM's own Cee Angi! And while you're over there, you can read the all the other good stuff they do there, most of it involving writing about baseball-related things on the internet. For example, Friend of OTM (FoOTM) Jason Wojciechowski wrote about the miraculous Rick Ankiel, and the mononymous Bill wrote about the beauty that is sac bunts.

If you're on twitter, you probably noticed that #baseballboyfriends became a thing yesterday afternoon. Hardball Talk's Craig Calcaterra gives you the lowdown on something so misguidedly offensive that it got kinda funny.

Some quickies after the jump...

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Super Bowl = yuck.

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And then there was one. With Edwin Jackson now off the market (though possibly still under consideration), the lone above average starting pitcher left on the market is Roy Oswalt. Oswalt is in kind of a tough predicament though. You see, the teams he wants to pitch for (St. Louis and Texas) have no room for him, so he may have to start branching out to teams he isn't particularly enamored with. That could mean the Red Sox. There is a spot (some might say two) open for him in Boston and the money could be sorted out, but that hasn't happened yet. So, I feel pretty safe in saying Oswalt isn't coming to Boston because, if he was, he would already be here. Roy Oswalt is as likely to suit up for the Newark Bears this season as the Boston Red Sox.

But all is not lost, my little furry friends. This article here by Ken Rosenthal and Jon Paul Morosi of Fox Sports says to acquire Oswalt the Reds would have to move a starting pitcher and salary, and the likely candidate to go is former hot shot prospect Homer Bailey. Bailey isn't perfect, he's had injury and attitude problems in the recent past (which is why the Reds would be willing to part with him) but he's certainly better than John Lannan et al. Cheaper too. Bailey's stats last year were far from horrible. Last season was the fifth season in a row that he dropped his BB/9 and the first in five seasons where his K/9 went down (dropped from 8.3 to 7.2). He's also raised his K/BB every season in the bigs. If the Reds do acquire Oswalt, the Red Sox should, and likely will, check in on Bailey. In fact, I'll say it, I'd rather have Bailey than Oswalt. You should now feel free to kill me for that in the comments.

And then there was one, take two. The Red Sox settled with reliever-turned-starter-turned-who-knows Alfredo Aceves before anyone could set foot in the arbitration room. The Sox and Aceves agreed on a $1.2 million salary for the 2012 season, just under double what Aceves made with Boston last year after being non-tendered by the Yankees. It looks like Aceves has only three years of service time on his record, so provided he doesn't get hurt again, he should fill the Julian Tavarez role of slightly off-kilter reliever who can spot start when needed for a few more seasons.

Newly acquired reliever Mark Melancon went diving with great white sharks recently. Whether that means he is fearless and thus closer material or insane is up for debate. And now it occurs to me, why can't we have both?

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First we thought the extra Wild Card slots weren't going to happen. Then Bud Selig piped up to say they're probably coming this season. Now, strike that. According to ESPN's Jayson Stark (via SB Nation's Grant Brisbee) the two additional Wild Card spots in the playoffs may not happen this season because so much of the season has already been planned. Don't hold your breath though, because after all this back and forth, I'll bet there's some announcement about adding the Wild Cards in question to this season's schedule by the end of March. That's how Uncle Bud rolls.

Link time!

Ben Cherington told us all yesterday to stop thinking about getting another starting pitcher because it's "unlikely (via Hardball Talk)" to happen. This came moments after Hardball Talk had published an article titled, "The Red Sox May Still Have A Shot At Roy Oswalt." The take-away here is that nobody has any idea what is going on.

Tim Britton of the Providence Journal covers the statement from the GM and its implications. Tim does his typical great job* but I should reiterate that just about all statements made by GMs, especially guys like Cherington and Epstein before him, are calculated for effect. That isn't to say Cherington isn't telling the truth, just that there is likely an ulterior motive involved in making the statement to the media beyond simply informing fans not to expect another starting pitcher to walk through that door.

*An aside: We Sox fans really are lucky to enjoy such great coverage from local media like Mr. Britton and his colleague Brian MacPherson at the ProJo, Chad Finn at the Globe, and of course Alex Speier at WEEI.com. It really is the golden age of sports writing, and not just here at OTM.

If you live in the Boston area, that little jolt you feel every weekday at 7:30am isn't from your coffee. Nope. It's Curt Schilling, opining away on some inane topic du jour. The finely coiffed Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated spoke to Schilling about all manner of topics. Genius or blowhard, I find myself not caring so much about what he says because my mind drifts off to this.

Fire Brand honcho Chip Buck interviews and was interviewed by Matt Imbrogno of Yankee Analysts. The one where Chip answers questions about the Red Sox is here, and the one where he asks about the Yankees is here. It's almost like a cease fire, though once March rolls around that's out the door.

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Another day, another day with out a new starting pitcher. Hopefully you aren't holding your breath over this one because you'll be achieving previously unseen levels of crimson.

Link time!

After dealing Marco Scutaro to Colorado for a left over Halloween candy and a few beer coasters (nothing worse than moisture rings, right people?) many thought the Sox might have had another deal waiting just up their sleeve. Nope. We're a week into year 1 PS (that's post-Scutaro) and nary a starting pitcher has been seen. There was some thought that Roy Oswalt might bring his decreasing strikeout rate and bad back to Boston, but now it seems he'd rather not, preferring to pitch in either Texas or St. Louis. Probably St. Louis. Unless his meeting with the Rangers today goes really well. In either case, Ol' Roy ain't coming through that door, unless it's one of those special space-time dimensional doors that will take him to St. Louis or Texas without having to check baggage.

In other news, the issue of compensation for the loss of Theo Epstein is back in the news. Compensation is like the Sasquatch in that we only hear about it very infrequently, and nobody reputable has ever actually seen it. This time though, Commissioner Bud Selig is getting into the act. He's jumping in on this one because, frankly, the eleventeen years this thing has taken are a bit too long, if you please. Parenthetically, if Bud Selig decides you're taking too long, you know you're either really taking too long or dead. Selig is the guy who doesn't get angry at the people who take forever to order at McDonalds despite a) having fifteen minutes in line to look at the menu, and that b) the menu has not having changed since 1968. In any case, there are rumors that Bud will compensate the Red Sox to the tune of, as a source told the Globe's Nick Carfardo, "a significant player." The Chicago Tribune is reporting the two teams have made lists (and checked them twice) of players they'd be willing to part with/receive and passed them on to the commissioner's office. If there is a single player in common on those lists I'll eat dirty socks for a week. For his part, the Tribune quotes Selig as saying he wants to move, "as expeditiously as possible." So this whole issue should be behind us somewhere around President Bieber's second term.

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It's now 1am and I just got a tweet favorited by A's pitcher Brandon McCarthy. So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty good about my life right now.

Link time!

This is hour 6,471 (and a half) of the Great Starting Pitcher Search-Off of 2012. So far the Red Sox have come up empty-handed, but at least they're moving in the right direction now that the huge roster anchor that was Marco Scutaro has been removed. Trading Scutaro is like taking off your sweaty clothes and feeling the cool breeze on your naked skin from that little air blower thing above your seat, right folks? Even flush with post-Scutaro cash, the Red Sox haven't been able to get anything done yet. It isn't for a lack of trying though. They've been in touch with Roy Oswalt and with Edwin Jackson. It seems Oswalt doesn't have much interest in coming to Boston, however. It's far away and he prefers tomatoes in his chowder. It's unclear if his strikeout rate would survive the journey anyway. Peter Abraham mentioned the possibility that pitching a year in the AL East in preparation for signing a free big contract might not be the smartest idea ever in the history of the universe. So there is that.

In more positive news, the Red Sox have, in theory, signed outfielder Cody Ross to a one year contract. Ross is in an odd roster purgatory though, as the Red Sox 40 man roster is all fulls up and fulls up and fulls up. The result is the aforementioned roster purgatory, a waiting game for a space to open up. While we're waiting, we can all benefit from the experience of others, specifically by reading the owners manual. In this case the Cody Ross Owners Manual by Grant Brisbee of Baseball Nation. And no, it isn't written in Chinese, Japanese, and Swedish like the instructions to assemble your bed, or how to pay your parking ticket..

Today requires a double dose of Dustin Parkes. Writing at The Score (it's a Canadian site, so translated to English, it would be The Scoer), Mr. Parkes digs deeper into the whys of Jose Bautista's 16 drug tests in a piece he calls The 16 Drug Tests of Jose Bautista. Then he gets all this-is-nuts-o when looking at the Prince Fielder deal. Which is totally understandable.

I'm telling you kids, this Sam Miller guy is going places. He's still, I think, writing for the sinking ship that is America's newspaper industry, but he's got this awesome gig at Baseball Prospectus (you must read his piece at BP on Scott Boras) and now he's showing up at places like the front cover of ESPN the Magazine with a great piece (insider required) about Albert Pujols. Next thing you know he'll be writing for The Score and kicking my butt in fantasy baseball. *gulp*

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Another *YAWN* Super Bowl appearance *YAWN* for the *YAWN* PatrioSNOOOOORE.

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The big news this weekend was the surprising trade of starting shortstop Marco Scutaro for nothing at all AAA pitcher Clayton Mortensen nothing at all. The Sox shipped Scutaro and, more importantly, his $6 million salary to the Colorado Rockies for a AAA starter in Clayton Mortensen who had recently been cut. Let's be clear, folks. This was a straight salary dump. Yes, the Red Sox are now the proud owners of a profoundly mediocre AAA starting pitcher which they wouldn't be if they hadn't picked up Scutaro's option, so that's something, but don't confuse it for much. Alex Speier at WEEI.com has more details on Mortensen, but if you see him in a Red Sox uniform this year it's because he's mastered the knuckleball or the entire major league roster was devoured by our new ant overlords. I'm talking coaches, everybody.

Count SB Nation's Rob Neyer as flummoxed by the Red Sox move. I agree. If nothing else the timing is odd. It isn't unreasonable to think if the Red Sox traded their starting shortstop, a player significantly better than anyone else they have on their roster who would replace him, that they might have another move in their back pocket. Think back to 2003 when the Red Sox were about to acquire Alex Rodriguez from Texas. I know, we all try to forget that, but unlock that part of your memory and you'll find that the A-Rod deal wasn't the only move the team had going. The Red Sox had a deal lined up to send Nomar Garciaparra to the White Sox for Magglio Ordonez which was contingent upon completion of the A-Rod deal. Because the A-Rod trade never happened, Ordonez stayed in Chicago. I'm surprised the Sox didn't have something similar worked out with whomever their next target is, be it Oswalt or someone else. Having both deals nailed down before pulling the trigger reduces the possibility of dealing your starting shortstop and ending up with just Clayton Mortensen.

Bill James, inexplicably writing at Grantland* lays out in utterly insane detail (his words), the one hundred best pitchering duels of 2011. I'm in no position to argue with any of it and, as Mr. James makes clear, neither are you.

* Mr. James - I hereby formally invite you to do a piece here at OTM; any piece you like. I don't care if you write about your cat, your least favorite bean, or why you dislike your next-door neighbor's wiener dog. Scribble it on a cocktail napkin.

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