Bobby Valentine spotted at Fenway Park, triggering massive manhunt


He has returned.

A massive manhunt is underway in and around Fenway Park following reports that one-time Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine had been spotted on the premises.

"We've been gearing up for Opening Day, so it's been pretty hectic around here, but this takes the cake," said one park worker, attempting to open a utility closet door from afar with a broom handle. "One minute I'm stocking souvenir cups, the next I'm chasing Bobby Valentine down the hall. Anyway, guy turns around a corner and I follow like three feet behind, but he's just gone. Thin air, man, thin air."

"I tell you, they almost fired me for making up stories before some guy in baseball operations said he caught sight of him just standing around in center field. Went out there later, found some weird pattern burned into the grass."

While the Red Sox organization has responded with a full-scale manhunt, even calling in day-of-game only employees to aid in the search, the front office has downplayed their concern. Ben Cherington provides the following explanation in an official press release:

"Bobby Valentine has not been rehired, and there is no reason to believe his presence on park grounds is in any way a threat to the ball club. We are simply doing our due diligence when it comes to park security with any trespasser. We have no reason to believe he has formed a pact with any eldritch powers to seek some form of misguided revenge."

However, a source close to the team has revealed that Cherington has locked himself in his office with high-ranking members of various religious organizations, marking the door in what appears to be blood with an elaborate symbol. John Henry has been out of reach, with many believing he has fled the country entirely.

Valentine was last seen in New York in his role as a part-time analyst for SNY's Mets coverage. His coworkers recall that Valentine had been acting normally up until a few days ago. "I think it was Friday? The 27th or 28th..." said Gary Cohen, who handles play-by-play duty for the Mets, "when he started saying that someone had arrived. Talking about how he had been given the power or something, and that all would be set right. I didn't know what to make of it, but you know Bobby, he's a little out there sometimes."

There is no word yet on if this development will effect Opening Day, but employees seem optimistic. "This park has seen a lot in its time," said one concessions worker, shortly before being dragged screaming into the bowels of the park by an unseen force, "I don't think some old guy is gonna be what brings it down."

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