Warning: If you have no sense of humor or believe The Onion reports actual news, do not read the following Fanpost.
Okay, so, like, we have a shit-ton of holes in our team because Ben Cherington was stupid and traded our superstar left fielder and first baseman to the Dodgers for a whole lot of nothing. The following things are things that Ben Cherington absolutely has to do so that we can win the World Series in 2013. If Cherington doesn't do this exactly, he needs to be fired.
First thing's first, this John Farrell guy is shit, he went under .500 for the Blue Jays, so obviously he's not good enough for us. We should tell him nevermind, then go hire Tony La Russa, Hall of Fame manager for the win! Next, we'll holla at his boy from St Louis, Albert Pujols. Pujols wasn't very good this year in LA, so we should be able to get him cheap. I think the Angels need like, a shortstop or something, so we'll send them Jose Iglesias they can have John Lackey too, they like him. Don't worry about our shortstop situation, I'll get to that in a minute.
Next, we sign Josh Hamilton and Zack Greinke. Those are the two best free agents out there, so we should get them because then we'll be all like WORLD SERIES! WATUP! Then we'll get David Wright from the Mets, they need lots of pitching, so how about that Matt Barnes guy? I hear his name a lot, so people must like him, he can go to the Mets. Since David Wright is a third baseman, we'll play Will Middlebrooks at shortstop. Did that just blow your mind? Yeah, it did.
With Middlebrooks as our shortstop, we don't need to wait for Xander Bogearts anymore, so we'll trade him to San Francisco for TIM LINCECUM! The Freak wasn't that good this year, but how bad can he be right? I mean he's TIM LINCECUM! For right field, we'll tell Cody Ross to screw off, who needs him? The Diamondbacks want to trade Justin Upton. They need a third baseman, so we'll send them Garin Cecchini.
After that, we sign Jose Valverde to be our new closer. I knew he blew a save or two for the Tigers, but look at all those saves he had last year! He's fucking awesome man! This team is gonna be off the hizzook when Jarrod Saltalaahamanckia hits 40 home runs and Cley Bruchkoltckandz wins 25 games man!
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