Jose Canseco. There's a name you don't hear too often anymore. Well, not in baseball circles anyway. There was that time he got his butt kicked on pay-per-view TV. And that other time. But recently Jose has returned to his roots by getting his butt kicked on TV again. Then he was player/manager for the Yuma Scorpions, which I'm pretty sure features Bugs Bunny at first base, Bugs Bunny at second base, Bugs Bunny at third base [eight minutes pass] and Bugs Bunny on right bench.
So Jose's been busy. But now, he's ready to get all Roger Clemens on you and make a come back. And, for some reason he wants to do it with Boston. For serious. Here is how Jose's dogged pursuit of a tryout with the Red Sox might go down:
* * *
Receptionist: Hello, Boston Red Sox.
Jose Canseco: Hey, toots. I need to speak with Ben Churnbingson.
Receptionist: Hi, I'm a man, and I think you mean Ben Cherington.
Canseco: Right, toots. That's what I said. Ren Chorminggun.
Receptionist: Who is this?
Canseco: [long pause] John Horny.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Henry. I'll put you right through.
Canseco: See that you do!
Phone: [dial tone]
* * *
Jose Canseco: Listen, Mr. Cherington, I deserve a try-out. I hit .400 in ten years at Fenway with 100 homers in sixteen total at-bats. I stole twelveteen bases one day against the Yankees, and threw out gorkington base runners at home from the right field stands while playing left field. I hit a ball so far it went around the world and, a year later when I was playing outfield, landed on my head and popped over the wall for a homer. I once wrestled at great western horny toad to a draw with two arms pined behind my back. I...
Mall Parking Attendant: Can I help you?
Jose Canseco: You should give me a tryout because I'll hit a thousand homers, sure, but also because of my extensive background, I can tell you for certain that that guy did steroids, that guy over there definitely did steroids, I personally injected that guy with steroids five minutes ago, and if I know anything, I'd stake my reputation on the fact that that guy right there took enough steroids to kill a family of harbor seals.
Wal-Mart Manager: Sir, kindly leave these people in the family portrait line alone. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store.
Canseco: Be a pretty powerful harbor seal family for a bit though. They could do some serious crushing. [security escorting him from the store] BET THOSE HARBOR SEALS WOULD HIT SEVENTY HOMERS!
* * *
Fenway Park PA Announcer: And now, to sing our national anthem, the Boston Red Sox would like you to welcome, international recording star [pause] I.P. ...Freely?
Security Guards: [tackle him]
* * *
This car pulls up to the Fenway Park players entrance.
Security Guard: Can I help you?
Jose Canseco: Yes! I have an a try-out with the Blackston Red Storks.
Security Guard: Uh huh. And your name is?
Canseco: I'm Jose Canseco.
Security Guard: Who?
Canseco: Yes, THE Jose Canseco. Need an autograph?
Security Guard: [thumbing through papers] I don't see you on here, Mr. Canseco. I'm sorry.
Canseco: Typical. I bet if I sold myself into child slavery you would.
Security Guard: Ha! It says right here in the notes I was given, "if no insane or delusional comment is made, it is not Jose Canseco." You're good, sir. Come right in.
Canseco: Let me in quick! A band of monkey midgets is hot on my heals!
Security Guard: Don't overdo it.
* * *
Assistant to the GM: Listen, Jose. We appreciate what you've done for the Red Sox and for baseball, but we just don't have a spot for you on the ball club this year.
Jose Canseco: Listen, Chris...
Assistant to the GM: Derek.
Canseco: Right, Horatio. I'm very serious about this. I really think I can help the Red Sox, Jacob.
Assistant to the GM: Derek, and I understand and we're sympathetic, Jose, we really are. But I just don't see a place for you on the roster
Canseco: Look, Larry, if you aren't going to play me, why don't you just trade me? OK, Phil??
Assistant to the GM: Uh, Derek, and well, you aren't on the team, so I can't trade you.
Canseco: I'll say I'm not, Colonel Sanders! The way I'm being treated here I wouldn't want to be either. Will you just be a man, President Lincoln, and grant me my release?
Assistant to the GM: I can't grant you a release. You don't work for us.
Canseco: NAPOLEON DYNAMITE I DEMAND MY RELEASE!
Assistant to the GM: Fine, you're released.
Caneco: Thanks. Can I have a job?
* * *
Don Orsillo: It's a great day for baseball here in Boston.
Jerry Remy: It sure is, Don.
Orsillo: And now it's time for a new tradition here at Fenway. To the delight of all those little under-privileged kids in the Dunkin Obstructed View Dugout...
Remy: Don, the one over there, Don, behind that wall, Don?
Orsillo: Yes, And that building. Now, Wally the Green Monster will drop a small power boat on Jose Canseco's head using a massive crane.
Remy: Don, Crush Jose's Skull With A Small Power Boat is brought to you by Personal Shame Ford and Mini, come by and experience the personal shame touch firsthand; the Phone Book, providing your kids with a rickety step-stool to reach the breakable and expensive china since 1946; Universal Carpet Cleaning and Chinese Food, and, of course, the Unnecessary Surgery Weight Loss Program, who asks, how many lungs does one person really need? This should be, uh, interesting, Don.
Orsillo: I'll say. OK, here we go, and...
Remy: That's gotta hurt, Don.