You've mentally checked out at work, and now spend most of your time plotting how to not finish last in your fantasy football league again next season. Sure, boss, I'll get right on those TPS reports right after I go to the bathroom, go to lunch, go to the bathroom again and wow, look at the time, gotta go. Yup, it's starting to feel a lot like the holiday season, isn't it?
We here at OTM are getting that holiday itch too. Or is that something else...? No matter! We're excited for the holiday season. We even got the Normandin-bot fired up pumping out articles so Marc can take his yearly two month holiday vacay communing with monkeys in Tibet. It is in that vein that we'd like to offer you, the astute reader, some holiday gift options. It's a little thing we like to call...
The Official Over The Monster Annual Holiday Gift Giving Gift Guide To Official Annual Holiday Gift Giving! We've got more Red Sox themed goodies than you can or should shake a stick at. No need to fight through seas of humanity to get that last Winky The Weasel doll this year, or shove that elderly woman in the back to get your hands on the latest Warrior Goat IV: Bah (Again) video game. Let us here at OTM do the shopping for you. Below you'll find the very best in Red Sox themed holiday gifts. So get to it, Sox fans, while the get'n is still available with free shipping. Happy Holidays!
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There is nothing more special than dirt this holiday season, and this framed Kevin Youkilis picture has it. Dirt that is. The dirt is "game used" of course (what crazed lunatic would want un-used dirt?) meaning that Kevin Youkilis' actual shoe has actually touched dirt that has actually touched dirt that has been near the actual dirt you're actually buying. Yes, you're actually buying dirt. Happy holidays.
Do you have a loved one with a large, healthy tree in their yard? The Red Sox "forest face" can fix that in a hurry! Nothing says "arborist" like slamming sharp pieces of metal into a perfectly healthy tree. The Red Sox forest face straddles that ever so fine line between Red Sox fan and survivalist. It's the perfect gift for that loved one who you'd rather not talk to anymore.
Need something to help your Pomeranian, Mr. Pickles, relive its glory years? This Red Sox pet varsity jacket should do the trick. Now Mr. Pickles can regale everyone with the time his senior year against Centerville that he took a dump on the mascot's shoe. As an added bonus, it comes complete with animal humiliation. Ho ho ho!
Are you having an affair with Bob Vila? If so he'll love this Red Sox hammer. It's perfect for putting the last nails in that shed, finishing that picture frame, or murdering your grandmother in the middle of the night.* If the hammer is too expensive for you, then you can always try this Red Sox tape measure though, honestly, it's much harder to kill someone with.
*Murdering grandmother not an acceptable use in some states (sorry, Arkansas!). Not to be used in salads.
It's fitting that this Daisuke Matsuzaka ornament comes in the shape of a ball. For that so-real-it-almost-hurts effect you can purchase four of them and then, while hanging them on the tree, miss.
The "That's Me!" Red Sox-themed "13 minute personalized play-by-play CD" promises the announcers will "call out your full name over 20 times as you lead the Red Sox over the Yankees in a fantasy ALCS." That's two more than the number of times John Sterling calls out Derek Jeter's name while sleeping!
You can shove this $900 Red Sox couch up your man cave.* (Washing not included.)
*There's actually nothing wrong with the couch, I just wanted to write, "you can shove something up your man cave." (It's funny because it would result in expensive surgery.)
If you're anything like me, the lady in your life is addicted to
methamphetamine lip balm. This Boston Red Sox face stick and lip balm pack will help keep her lips from getting dry and let her show her support for her favorite baseball team for those eight seconds between the time she pulls it out of her bag and when she drops it back in. Also, face stick?
This lady's shirt commemorates the glory year of 1986 by slapping a huge "86" on the back. Perfect for the Red Sox fan on your list that you hate.
Ever get really plastered, wander into your backyard and accidentally set your face on fire by trying to drink beer from your grill? Well now you can with the keg shaped Boston Red Sox Gas Grill! It pairs perfectly with either the Red Sox Beer Can Shaped Nail Gun or the Red Sox Candy Bar Shaped Plastic Explosive.
Nothing says cultural relevance like a Red Sox Mr. Potato Head!
Jut this morning I was sitting at the kitchen table thinking, my toast doesn't share my love of the Red Sox. Now, like that time you did twenty-three Jell-O shots at cousin Frank's Bar Mitzvah/batchelor party, you can have your love of the Red Sox physically burned into something with the Red Sox toaster.
The Red Sox pumpkin carving kit will give you something to do besides watch the Red Sox blow a 9.5 game lead in SepteAAAAHHHH!.
Do you require more than one type of suede on your steering wheel cover? If so, the Red Sox Poly-Suede Steering Wheel Cover has you covered (kill me now)! Nothing says I wish I had that $14.22 back like a steering wheel cover with more than one kind of suede. And now, for only an additional $9.01, you can avoid looking at your new steering wheel cover by pairing it with extra dark Red Sox sunglasses!
By this point you might be wondering, what won't the Red Sox put their name on? Well, while you're wondering, you can cross "feather earrings" off the list.
The pièce de résistance is this Eric Gagne autographed 8X10 photograph which prominently features the portly portsider hurling a pitch in the general direction of home plate on August 2, 2007 against the Baltimore Orioles. That was Gagne's first appearance with the Red Sox! On that very day Gagne came in to a 7-3 game and gave up two hits (including a booming ground rule double) and a run. What Sox loving fan wouldn't pay $68 to commemorate Eric Gagne's time with the Red Sox?
Finally, the Red Sox Baby DVD, narrated by Ben Affleck will cause your Ben Affleck loving toddler to squeal with delight. Or maybe that was just gas. The DVD features a bunch of boring crap you'll probably never get to sit through as the small child whose entertainment and passivity you seek will find more enjoyment in eating the packaging than watching the "legendary sounds of blah blah blah 80 word run-on sentence."
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