The Pink Hat Offseason

by TheLoneDavid on Nov 9, 2011 11:55 AM EST

Note: This is not meant to be taken seriously, my offseason plan can be found here.

We all know that 2011 sucked. I mean seriously, we missed the playoffs for the second year in a row. We need to make some changes, and we need to make them now.

The Manager

Terry Francona won two World Series with us, but he's gone now. Tony La Russa just won the World Series, so we should sign him. I know he's retired but fuck him, he's the new Red Sox manager.

Red Sox Free Agents

Every single one of our free agents was part of a team that didn't make the playoffs, let them all go.

Red Sox Trades

Josh Beckett was one of the Fried Chicken Boyz in September. He's a clubhouse cancer so we should trade him. I'm sending him to the Angels for Mike Trout and Jered Weaver, because Beckett is still an Ace, and they have to give up something for him. Jarrod Saltalamackya isn't an elite catcher, and we need an elite catcher. The Giants really like pitching, so even though John Lackey is hurt I'm going to trade him for Buster Posey. We don't want John Lackey here and I'm sure he needs a change of scenery. I'm going to send Lars Anderson, Ryan Kalish, Daniel Nava, and Micheal Bowden to Seattle for Felix Hernandez, because Jack Z wants prospects and we want Felix. I'm going to send Josh Reddick, Alex Wilson, and Ryan Westmoreland to Cleveland for Shin Soo Choo.

Outside Free Agents

Since I let Big Pappi walk, we need a DH. I say we should sign Albert Pujols or Prince Fielder to do that. To be our fifth starter I'm signing CJ Wilson. For the Bullpen, I'm signing Joe Nathan and Heath Bell to pitch in the bullpen, but making Bard our closer. Bard throws the ball really, really hard, so he should be our closer. I also sign Jose Reyes to be our shortstop, we need to compete with the Yankees, and to do that we have to spend money. And I sign Coco Crisp as a 4th outfielder.

Opening Day Roster

C Buster Posey

1B Adrian Gonzalez

2B Dustin Perdroia

SS Jose Reyes

3B Kevin Youkillis

LF Carl Crawford

CF Jacoby Ellsbrury

RF Shin Soo Choo

Bench

C Jared Saltalamackya

INF Marco Scutaro

Util Jed Lowrie

OF Coco Crisp

Starting Pitching

SP1 Jon Lester

SP2 Felix Hernandez

SP3 Clay Buckholtz

SP4 Jered Weaver

SP5 CJ WIlson

Bullpen

RP Alfredo Ace

RP F-Mo

RP Fat Albers

RP Booby Jenks

RP Heath Bell

RP Joe Nathan

CL Daniel Bard

With this team, I know we could win the WORLD SERIES AND 120 GAMES! GO BOSTON!

Tweet Comment 6 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

It's spelled "Buccholtz"

seriously, I don’t know if this is the pink hat plan. I think this is more of the “upset-guy-calling-in-to-WEEI-in-the-afternoon” plan.

I think the Pink Hat offseason is more as follows:

JACOBY IS DREAMY!!!

by wolf9309 on Nov 9, 2011 2:11 PM EST reply actions

I was going to call it that

but it’s kind of a mouthful.

I'm a 7 WAR player in bed.
DFA Rev Halofan, The New York Yankees, The Tampa Bay Blue Seats, Carl Crawford, John Lackey, Darnell McDonald, Dave Magadan, Tim Bogar, Buck Showalter, Dan Johnson, Hawk Harrelson, Jonah Keri, Murray Chass, Mark Sanchez, Micheal Vick, Jared Allen, Jerry Jones, Al Davis, Rex Ryan, Rob Ryan, Trent Dilfer, Heath Evans, Cris Carter, Vuvuzelas, The Chicken Dance, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Stephanie Meyer, and the entire fucking city of Philadelphia.

by TheLoneDavid on Nov 9, 2011 4:22 PM EST up reply actions