It's Sunday morning and you're standing in front of your closet. You have a lot of options in front of you and you're thinking what would be the best.
Jerseys, shirts, hats, ties, underwear. You've got a lot of Sox gear, now I'll let you know exactly what to wear.Rule No. 1: Support the starting pitcher
Remember who is starting for the Sox. If you have a Josh Beckett jersey in the closet, you're wearing it tonight. There's no ifs, ands or buts about that one -- when you have gear that supports the starting pitcher, you wear it. If it's a shirt, that works, too. You just have to wear it because this is the guy you need to do well tonight and if you've got the gear, show the gear. I don't care if you have a lucky personalized jersey with "69" on the back. Go with Beckett or you'll regret it.
Rule No. 2: Hats are good, but not required
Yeah, we all have Sox hats. And if you're like me, you've been wearing one every day for far too many years. But it's good to remember the Sox hat is not required if you already have the jersey/shit on. It is, however, a nice touch to finish off the upper-body wear. NOTE: the older looking the hat, the better.
Rule No. 3: The bottom half is your wild card
If you have Red Sox pants of any sort, you are a better person than I. But if you do and you want to wear them, I have to question whether or not you're going out on the town. Why? Because the only Red Sox "pants" I have seen are like these:
If you are wearing those out on the town, you are DEFINITELY a better person than I.
However, if you don't have any Red Sox pants, that's fine because it's free game. Go with jeans, shorts, boxer briefs or anything you want. Nobody expects you to support the Home Towne team downstairs -- but if you do, awesome.
Rule No. 4: You can go overboard
We've talked hats, shirts and pants. If you hit all three with a Red Sox logo, congratulations but be careful -- it is possible to go overboard.
However, this is something you must judge for yourself. Or your girlfriend before you go to the bar. Stand in front of the mirror, yell "Honey, can you come in here?" and see what she says. If you've got the Red Sox camo hat, the Dustin Pedroia Team USA jersey and the pink hotpants that are actually hers, then bud, you need to make a wardrobe change.
It's impossible to go overboard with two pieces of Sox gear. If you've got a hat and shirt, you're fine. No need to ask the lady. But if you have 3+ pieces on (I know how much you love your Josh Beckett necklace), make sure to take a double-take and ask the lady. You'll thank yourself later.
Rule No. 5: You're going to eat a lot, but damn you if you spill
You've got your gear on, and that's great, just remember the next step: nacho cheese is meant for the chips, not your vintage Bill Mueller shirt.
You have to be careful with the beer and food. Yeah, beer is great. We'll all drink some of it tomorrow night most likely, but you have to keep it in your mouth. I don't care what happens on the field, because if you get beer on your authentic jersey, you've doomed the team.
That's right, you've jinxed them. It's Opening Night and you're spilling salsa all over yourself? That'd be like Jonathan Papelbon heading to the mound without his glove. If the Sox have their game faces on, so do you. No excuses. Play like a champion.
Follow these rules and the Red Sox will be 1-0 on Monday morning. If the Red Sox lose, we'll all be blaming you!