Until recently, few Red Sox fans had heard of Darnell McDonald. Therefore, utilizing the amazing power of the internet, I have culled the following facts about him for your edification. All of the below facts are true, having been independently verified by our crack team of fact-checkers, all laid-off editors from the dying field of print journalism:
- Darnell McDonald was born in Colorado, and went to the same high school as fellow ball-players Josh Bard, David Aardsma, and Brad Lidge.
- McDonald was drafted 26th overall in the 1st round of the 1997 Amateur draft, ahead of Jack Cust. He was strongly considered for selection by Toronto, which took Vernon Wells with the 5th pick instead. (This was the wrong move.)
- Derek Jeter sells his own cologne. Darnell McDonald sells his sweat as a nutritional supplement. It is currently banned by MLB and the International Olympic Committee.
- "Pinch hit Darnell McDonald" is Baseball for "I win."
- There is a good reason Darnell McDonald doesn't pitch. The only thing harder than hitting a Darnell McDonald fastball is catching one and living to tell the tale.
- Dustin Pedroia does not want to be taller. He wants to be more like Darnell McDonald.
- You don't need to ask your wife if she fantasizes about Darnell McDonald. The answer is yes. [The answers to your follow-up questions are "yes," "yes," "five times," and "I want a divorce."]
- When Lost comes to a close this season, the answers to all of the unresolved questions will be revealed. All of them will be the same: "Because Darnell McDonald said so."
- Darnell McDonald's career numbers don't look so good on Baseball-Reference.com. This is because his stats were accidentally switched with those of minor league journeyman and steroids abuser Barry Bonds.
- The people who prefer "the Devil you know" don't know Darnell McDonald.
- In a fourth grade baseball game, Timmy Parkinson mocked one of Darnell McDonald's tattoos. Parkinson is remembered as the first child to leave Earth's atmosphere without the aid of a spacecraft.
- The reason that Darnell McDonald doesn't drive a Jaguar is that he prefers to ride one.
- When Darnell McDonald was young, he loved to play Cowboys and Indians. But after a while the teams had trouble keeping up with his plays, so he sent them back home to Cleveland and Dallas.
- Darnell McDonald once tested the 'Unstoppable force versus immovable object' paradox. He threw a fastball to himself, and caught it. Scientists credit the resulting explosion with creating the known universe.
- There is no skin under a Darnell McDonald tattoo. There is only another tattoo.
- Darnell McDonald was considered for a role in James Cameron's film "Avatar." However, he was dropped from the cast due to technical issues. Because he flew too quickly for the camera to capture his motions, a gigantic dragon was cast in his place.
- Man is not "the Most Dangerous Game." That would be "Catch" with Darnell McDonald.
If you know of any additional Darnell McDonald facts, please submit them in the comments below.