Paid Programming: Mike Lowell for Left Field

by 0157H7 on Jan 22, 2010 11:45 AM EST in Fun Stuff

[Editor's Note: In the wake of the Citizens United case, in which the Supreme Court struck down restrictions on how much corporations can spend on political campaigns, there's a tsunami of political ads on the horizon. With this potential ad bonanza, OTM has to get in on the action. Therefore, expect more ads like the following piece in the future:]

This message brought to you by the Mike In Left Foundation.

Narrator: He's the fastest player on earth.

via assets.nydailynews.com

Narrator: But is Jacoby Ellsbury playing Fast and Loose with the Red Sox?

via multimedia.heraldinteractive.com

Narrator: Jacoby Ellsbury has been caught stealing 23 times in his career. But that hasn't stopped him from continuing to steal.

via www.dvdbeaver.com

Narrator: In 2009, Jacoby Ellsbury stole 70 bases, making him the worst felon in baseball.

via www.ltfexperts.com

Narrator: And Jacoby Ellsbury joined the Red Sox the same year as noted laptop thief Clay Buchholz. They've even appeared in the same clubhouse.

via i.cdn.turner.com

Narrator: Mike Lowell has the character and experience to bring the change we need to Left Field. He won't steal like Jacoby. And he won't pal around with crime lords like Clay Buchholz.

via www.baseballrumormill.com

Narrator: On April 4, vote Mike Lowell for Left Field, for the change we need.

[This message paid for by the Mike In Left Foundation, a wholly-owned subsidiary of the New York Yankees. It does not reflect the opinion of any political party or player.]

Poll

Who should be the starting Left Fielder for the Boston Red Sox in 2010? (All answers have been vetted for fairness and accuracy.)

Jacoby Ellsbury, a documented felon.

586 votes

Mike Cameron, an undocumented immigrant.

117 votes

Mike Lowell, a veteran of two World Series, and a true American hero.

247 votes

950 votes | Poll has closed

Tweet Comment 13 comments | 1 recs |

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Comments

God bless you, Mike Lowell.

And God bless the United States of America.

Galactus does as he pleases. Because Galactus is drunk.

I have a five-tool player in my pants.

by Bloggy on Jan 22, 2010 12:02 PM EST reply actions

The counter campaign for Jaco

(Soundtrack: cliche’d “indian” drums…..BUM bum bum bum BUM bum bum bum…)

(Images of proud-looking native americans in full headdress and on horseback.)

NARRATOR: During the course of the United States’ scarred history, many things have been taken from our native people.

Lives. Land. Culture. Influence. Do you really want LEFT FIELD for the RED SOX to be the latest?

I ran out of ideas and I just want it to be funny without offending anyone….so….feel free to add more

by payroll on Jan 22, 2010 2:35 PM EST reply actions

Should've added "Center Field" before left.

USG

by Ben Buchanan on Jan 22, 2010 2:59 PM EST up reply actions

by the way I'm part cherokee

and I’m in no way attempting to diminish the suffering of our native people, but rather, exaggerate the level of passion, intensity and scrutiny that we SAWX fans have for just about any decisions our team makes xD

by payroll on Jan 22, 2010 2:41 PM EST reply actions

As someone who is significantly Apache,

no prob, it wasn’t offensive.

Very funny. But USG is right- it should have read:

Lives. Land. Culture. Influence. Center field. Do you really want LEFT FIELD for the RED SOX to be the latest?

by mmmmm on Jan 22, 2010 3:33 PM EST up reply actions

Campaign ad for Mike Cameron.

Phone rings
Click
“Huh? Hello? Who is—
“Mr Cameron! What do you have to say to voters about why you should play in left field?!”
“What are you—Voters? Huh? Left field? It’s 3:30 AM! What are y—
“Sox Fans for Lowell in Left has put out a campaign ad claiming you’re too old! The Mike in Left Foundation has even called you an illegal immigrant!”
“I don’t understand what you’re talking about! Leave me alone! I play in Cent—WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!”
“What do you have to say to fans who claim that your initials are more suited to left field?!”
“IF YOU CALL ME AGAIN I WILL CALL THE POLICE”
Click

USG

by Ben Buchanan on Jan 22, 2010 3:43 PM EST reply actions

I'm Mike Cameron

And I approve this message.

by TheLoneDavid on Jan 22, 2010 4:14 PM EST up reply actions

January!

Building Fenway from the ground up - Virtual Fenway

by Sean O on Jan 22, 2010 4:14 PM EST reply actions

Coming to NESN this March

As ominous music plays in the background, black and white photos come up on the screen. . . .

Announcer: Jacoby Ellsbury would have you believe he’s the fastest player in baseball. . . .

Flash to picture of Buchholz

Announcer: When the truth is, he’s not even the fastest player on his own team!

Cut to slow-motion video of Ellsbury striking out, hitting a pop-up, etc.

Announcer: And his on-base percentage looks like Pedroia’s batting average in a down year.

Transition to color, as a triumphant, patriotic underscoring swells in the orchestra. . . .

Announcer: But this spring, a new hope will arrive for Red Sox Nation. A player who can flash the glove.

Show some fantastic catches, but don’t reveal the fielder

Announcer: A player who knows how to hit for power.

Show some longballs, possibly even a grand slam against the Indians?

Announcer: A player who knows how to get on base.

Show player throwing away bat and trotting to first, but still not showing his face.

Announcer: Someone Red Sox Nation can count on. A proven veteran.

Pan out to show the candidate

Announcer: This spring, restore hope to the Red Sox lineup. Vote J. D. DREW for leadoff hitter.

J. D. Drew (voiceover): I’m J. D. Drew, and I approve this message.

Announcer 2 (quickly): Paid for by Red Sox Fans Who Don’t Think OBP Is Overrated.

by lone1c on Jan 22, 2010 10:24 PM EST reply actions

Hermida for Left Field

Documented felons are cash cows for teams like ours, and so are young talent. I’m voting for Jeremy Hermida for Left Field, because we can bring back the spirit of a real left fielder. Paid for by the Keep-Ellsbury-In-Center Committee.

by Decimators on Jan 23, 2010 5:02 PM EST reply actions

Mikey Lowell

If we put Lowell in left, then we have to put Ortiz in right. Never to early to pull Drew, you can’t be too careful with back and hamstring injuries!

But really, Lowell in left could be the saddest thing of all time. It would be like watching Dennis Wideman trying to play defense. Just not going to happen.

by sportsjuke on Jan 24, 2010 12:35 AM EST reply actions