Cooperstown Hall Debates: MVP, Preliminaries

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Bud Selig (thinking to himself): Please let this go well...

[Selig takes a deep breath, looks over the crowd and turns on microphone]

Selig: Go afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the first town hall debate on Most Valuable Player Reform. If there's one thing I've learned in my career as absolute dictator of the sport, it's that these meetings are extremely valuable in my decision making process.

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Selig: Many of you have complained about the arbitrary and arcane practice of selecting each league's MVP. So I'd like to discuss that a little. But first we're going to open the floor to our other speakers... [CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE]

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Derek Jeter: How's it going? I just flew back from my hiking trip... I mean A-Rodgentina - I mean The PENNANT Race, that's what I meant... So, what did I miss?

Bud Selig: Hiya Jeets. Lookin' good, lookin' good. [Stares into Jeter's eyes, loses himself briefly, recovers] And let's give a big special welcome to another guest, Jason Bay!

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Angel and Yankee Fans: BOOOOOO!!!!!

Jason Bay: Well gosh, folks, it's nice to be here in such distinguished company. I can only hope...

Anonymous Yankee Fan: UR NOT ONE OF US!!!! U DON'T BELONG HERE!!! U WEREN'T EVEN BORN HERE!!!! GO BACK TO CANADIA!!!!

Bud Selig: People, please, show some respect, we're not done introducing the candidates yet. Next up we have - Joe Mauer!

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Joe Mauer: Hi everybody, I'm...

Anonymous Angel Fan: Like, OMG, that is IT! Not a single Angel player!!! I refuse to be a part of, like, this whole East Coast bias thing! You ESPN lapdogs make me sick, and not like when I stuff my finger down my throat! A bad kind of sick!  HMPFH! [Stuffs tinfoil hat back on head, struts out of hall.]

Selig: ...sigh... Next up, Kendry Morales!

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Morales: Shut up, old man! [screams] I want Bay-boyia! You tell Bay-boyia to come here!!! You tell him what I said!!! I'll KILL him...

[Ominous silence.]

Selig: Mr. Morales, what's your prediction for this debate?

[Morales stares into camera.]

Morales: ...PAIN.

[Selig pauses.]

Selig: ... Ahem... The next candidate is another local favorite, Mark Teixeira!!

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Mark Teixeira: Oh wow, thanks. I'm real honored, even though I had to drag my wife kicking and screaming from the Big Apple. You know how she...

[Guy in shades runs up, grabs microphone]

Kanye West: Hey Tex, I'm real proud of you, and Imma let you finish, but DEREK JETER has the most hits by a YANKEE of ALL TIME... OF ALL TIME!!!

Bud Selig: People, can we please get back on track. Now that I've introduced the candidates, can we please discuss meaningful MVP reform without any further interrup...

[Man in suit turns off mike, whispers in Selig's ear]

TBS Executive: Sorry Bud, your time's up for this show. We've got a 1-hour advertising block to promote Frank TV, and Craig Sager needs this studio to tie-die his suits for the ALDS...