The Biggest UZR: Battlestar RedSoxica

The Fielding Metrics were created by man.
They rebelled.
They evolved.
They look...
and feel...
Credible.
Some of them are programmed to believe they are believable.
And they have a plan.

Previously on Battlestar RedSoxica:

- Sox adviser Bill James is making out with a computer which may or may not be imaginary. Joe Morgan says the computer has great intangibles.
- Hot shot Dustin Pedroia is playing great defense, and creating apocalyptic paintings with his food.
- Sox president John Henry has an incurable disease. Again.

[Click Continue Reading for more.]

The UZR Stats, courtesy of Fangraphs.

President John Henry: Our last episode went way over budget, how will we pay for the next one? Plus, I'm dying of an incurable disease. Again. What do we do?

Colonel Terry "Tito" Francona: I've got an idea. [Takes swig from his bottle, adjusts eyepatch]. Let's throw Julio Lugo out the nearest airlock. Arrr!

Admiral Theo Epstein: Well, I'm going to spend half the episode feeling conflicted about this, fret, talk to my goodie-goodie son off-camera, and then decide it's necessary.

[Cue long intro credits set to Buddhist mantra]

Admiral Epstein walks into Lugo's cell.

Epstein: Colonel Tito wants to throw you out the nearest airlock. What do you have to say?

Julio Lugo: But I've been cooperating, you can't do that. Look, I'm hitting well now. And I'm friends with Papi. And my defense can only get better...

Epstein: Let me think on it.

[As Epstein walks back to his desk, cue Flashbacks #1-30 of Julio Lugo's dropped balls, throwing errors, and assassination attempts on the lives of Red Sox officials.]

Epstein: All this has happened before, all this will happen again. [Camera pans out to show Edgar Renteria's contract with the Red Sox on Epstein's desk. Scene cuts to Pedroia and Bill James in the mess hall.]

Dustin Pedroia: I'm unhappy because I'm being forced to fulfill my destiny, and because my UZR/150 games is only 5.7 runs. That's lower than Youkilis' at first base. And Jeff Bailey's UZR/150 in right field is 93.1 runs. What the frack!

Bill James: Do you know why that is? It's because Bailey's only played 8 innings in RF, and like batting average, UZR/150 is warped by small selection sizes. With so few innings, it's basically worthless for most of the backups. And furthermore... [James is suddenly distracted by a computer in a low-cut red dress, which no one else sees. The computer moves its mouse up and down along his neck.] ooh... aaaah... oh yes!

Pedroia: Now I remember why I never talk to you.

[Cut to the clubhouse.]

J.D. Drew [shouting]: Dreidus contact! Three enemy BlueJaystars!

Admiral Epstein: We can't defeat the one we've never heard of, or the #1 star. Concentrate your fire on the lefthander who actually throws hard.

J.D. Drew: Affirmative. By the way, why don't I have a larger role in this series? I have the best UZR on the team, at 5.8, and the highest UZR/150 among regulars.

Colonel Tito: Because you don't show any emotion or heart, you frakkin machine! Arrr!

[RedSoxica shells Ricky Romero, and he blows up.]

Epstein: That was fun. Now let's celebrate by throwing Julio Lugo out an airlock!

[Cut to airlock.]

Lugo: Why are you doing this? I had no control over my defense. Besides, I'm a loyal Red Sox veteran.

Colonel Tito: [takes swig from his bottle] So's Nick Green, except he doesn't have a UZR/150 of -43.2 runs. Arrr!

Admiral Epstein: Lugo, you're responsible for the loss of billions of runs. You must pay the price.

Lugo: You can't!... I know things. Bill James is a traitor, he helped sabotage your defense. He's the one who convinced you to sign me. He's the reason your squad is 29th in Defensive Efficiency and 25th in UZR.

James [stammering]: That's a lie... I'd never betray you to the computers... 

Computer in Red Dress: James, you traitor! You are deviating from God's plan, and I will make you suffer!

[Bill James starts banging his head against wall]

Epstein: Why does he have to do this at every execution? Oh well. Release Lugo!

Lugo: No worries, my memories will be downloaded, and I'll be put onto a new team. I'll see you again, Pedroia... [sucked out of airlock] NOOOOO!!!!!

[Later that night, Tito and Epstein are speaking in Epstein's quarters]

Epstein: I can't help but feel I've made a terrible mistake. After all, I've done nothing about Jacoby Ellsbury's team low -8.9 runs, Jason Bay's atrocious -8.8 runs, or Mike Lowell's -7.9 runs.

Tito: [Takes a swig from his bottle] Arrr! Throw them out the airlock too!

Cue black screen. Run End Credits.