Seeing how Lugo has returned to glorious midseason form in just three innings tonight, I'd like to offer Theo Epstein and the rest of the front office some advice on what Lugo's current value in a trade would be worth:
- One bat, after being used in a broken-bat pop-up.
- A scuffed-up baseball that your dog chewed the other day.
- That half-finished carton of milk that's been sitting in your fridge for the last two months.
- The cash value on one coupon from Sunday's paper.
- Britney Spears's vows of lifelong fidelity.
- A case of food poisoning.
- Bad fanfic.
- A hangnail.
- That Brian Austin Green collectible plate your cousin Maureen has been holding on to for all these years.
- The trade-in value of Carl Edwards's car after the Talladega race this past weekend.
Feel free to add your own suggestions for what we could trade Lugo for below.
Update: Now that E6's three-run error has snapped our eleven-game win streak, I offer another eleven things which I would trade straight up for dear ol' Julio right now:
- A free case of syphilis.
- Suddenly Susan, The Complete Second Season on DVD
- The styrofoam inserts in a computer box.
- A discarded hair from
- A shot of benzene-laced Everclear.
- A shot of actual dirty water from the Charles.
- The lint from my dryer.
- A ball of used tinfoil.
- The last piece of chewing gum Tito spat out tonight.
- A used toilet bowl brush.
- One at-bat from Nick Green or Jed Lowrie.