Report: Red Sox Acquire Bay, Holliday, Marlins

Boston, MA (OTM) - In a shocking move, earlier today Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein announced the signings of Jason Bay, Matt Holliday and the Florida Marlins.

In a press conference beamed from his secret volcano lair, Epstein spoke to reporters.

"With these acquisitions, the Red Sox are in an excellent position to compete for the 2010 World Series," Epstein declared, gently stroking his white Persian cat. "I am confident that we have improved our team over both the short-term and long-term, and that these deals will continue to pay dividends."

"Mwhahahahahahahaha!" Epstein added.

Holliday and Bay were the top free agent left fielders, joining new Red Sox Marco Scutaro and John Lackey. The Florida Marlins are the lowest-payroll team in baseball, featuring such stars as Hanley Ramirez, Josh Johnson and Dan Uggla.

"Together with Theo and his compatriots in SOXTER (Special Office for Xtreme Takeovers and Evil Reorganizations), we saw the Marlins as a vulnerable and underutilized asset," said Red Sox President Larry Lucchino. "It made too much sense to buy them out. We're just waiting for the Commissioner's signature to authorize the deal."

The videoconference turned to another room, where MLB Commissioner Bud Selig was strapped to a table.

"I suppose you expect me to talk," said Selig, as Epstein's high-powered laser bore down on him.

"No, Mr. Selig, I expect you to sign," said newly appointed Sox executive, Shaughnessyfinger.

The acquisition of the Marlins included the entire team administration, roster, farm system, stadium, and all six of the team's season ticket holders. Residents of Florida were surprised by the deal.

"We had a baseball team?" said Rob Jones, a passionate Florida sports fan. "Is that kind of like a cross between football and basketball?"

The massive deal was financed creatively.

"Now pay attention, 0157!" Red Sox principal owner John Henry announced to this reporter. "You see this $500 million contract for a new stadium, between the City of New York and the New York Yankees? Simply by pulling this lever, the words 'New York Yankees' are replaced by 'Boston Red Sox,' and the words 'new stadium' are replaced by 'Global Domination.' "

"Don't touch that!" Henry added, pointing at his corn-stalk shaped car, made entirely out of agricultural products. "That's my investment vehicle..."

Player reaction in the newly merged Sox-Marlins clubhouses was decidedly mixed.

Asked about the prospect of joining the Red Sox, Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez responded seriously, "When I left them I was but the Learner - now I am the Master."

Beckett - Josh Beckett - a former Marlin himself, summed up the discomfiting effect of the deal on his teammates: they were "shaken, not stirred."