Ron Gardenhire Clarifies Comments About Yankees

Bronx, NY - Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire gave an exclusive interview with Over the Monster on Wednesday, to expand on his comments earlier that day about his team's division rival, the New York Yankees.

Before first game of the Twins-Yankees ALDS series, Mr. Gardenhire surprised fans and the media with his effusive praise of the Yankees:

You know what, the Yankees are the most professional team you'll ever see. They do their work. They play the game the right way. They don't get enough credit for that. They get always talked about high payroll and everything. But that's professional baseball players over there. Those guys are really good. And they take pride in everything they do. So we know that we've got a big battle here. Because these guys are a great baseball team. They've proved it all year long. [SOURCE]

After the game, Gardenhire sat down with this reporter, who had just logged off World of Warcraft and wrestled his corpulent frame onto his floating dais.

Over the Monster (OTM): Jabba no badda... ahem... Thanks for agreeing to speak with me.

Ron Gardenhire (RG): It's my pleasure.

OTM: So let's get right down to it? Do your comments earlier today reflect how you really feel about the Yankees?

RG: Yes, absolutely.

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OTM: So you really believe that Joe Girardi's team is the most professional team in baseball?

RG: Of course. And let me explain what I mean by 'professional.' When someone asks me how to describe my team, I say they're a team of baseball players. They know how to play the game, and they do it. But the Yankees... now they are professional baseball players. What I mean by that is, not only do they know how to play baseball, but they are also very good at the game. They don't collapse just because the opposing pitcher is a southpaw, or because they got to the hotel at 4 a.m. that morning after playing into extra innings the night before.

OTM: Out of curiosity, how many copies of my books did you buy?

RG: Well, I really liked How to Be a Yankee Fan and I have the complete series [Editor's Note: Volumes 1 and  2, available at fine booksellers and flea markets everywhere]. But I didn't read How to Be a HaloFan, because that wasn't canon, and because I prefer playoff success. And I'm big fan of the H2BYF fanfiction - who knew that an ARod-Teixeira-Jeter vampire love triangle would be so interesting?

OTM: Right... How do you feel about Derek Jeter?

RG: Love him. He's the total package - a baseball player, a professional baseball player, great hair, and did I mention the perfume?

OTM: Yeah, love that stuff. Makes the bantha stench bearable on good days... Anyway, does it bother you that Derek Jeter and other Yankees get so much attention when Joe Mauer is the best player in the game?

RG: No. Why would it?

OTM: Well, it just seems that if your team has the best player in baseball, you'd spend more time talking about him. That's all.

RG: If our billionaire owner Carl Pohlad is only going to half-ass his support of the team, why shouldn't I? [Editor's Note: Twins Payroll opening the season was 7th lowest in MLB, at approximately $65.3 million.]

OTM: Forgive me for asking this, but are your pro-Yankees remarks today a subtle move to grab Joe Girardi's job? [Shoves screaming reptile snack into mouth, licks lips with giant tongue.]

RG: All I'd like to say about that is, New York is a great city, Jeter is a demigod, the Steinbrenners are God's Gift to baseball, and the Yankees are the most professional organization in baseball. That said, the Bombers could be more professional, especially in the managing department. Beyond that, I won't say anything. If they ever need anything, say a new manager, all they have to do is ask, and I'll help out as best as I can. Just say the word. I'm there.

OTM: Thanks again, Mr. Gardenhire. Good luck with the rest of the ALDS.

RG: Forget this series. I want to get paid!