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The brittle Jed Lowrie, about to find out what is so kickass about Markickass' slide-tackles. (AP Photo/Rob Carr)

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Hurt 'n Cold
(with heartfelt apologies to Katy Perry)

Terry Francona is speaking to Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein and Jed Lowrie in front of the entire team and a full Fenway Park.

Francona: Theo, do you take Jed Lowrie as your starting shortstop for the 2010 season?

[Theo looks earnestly at Lowrie.]

Theo: I do. [Theo smiles.]

Francona: Now, Jed, do you accept the starting shortstop job for the 2010 Boston Red Sox?

[All eyes in Fenway are on Jed Lowrie, and he stares back at Theo, embarassed.]

Lowrie: "Ow, my spleen..."

[Lowrie loses consciousness.]

{CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE BALLAD.}

[Theo bursts into song, pointing at the twitching body of Jed Lowrie as paramedics run to it. As he sings, he chases the EMTs as they cart Lowrie through Fenway Park and down the streets of Boston to the hospital district in Longwood. ]

You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz crushes balls.
You overplay
Like each game, is your last!

And you, always break
Like you've got leprosy
I should know
That you're no good for me.

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

We... used to be
Just like Sox, wicked tight.
The same energy
Now's a hip injury.

Used to laugh 'bout your health,
Then we needed Nick Green
I should know, that you're not gonna to change.

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

Someone check the waivers,
Go get me healthy players!
Shortstop's a disaster -
Where's my boy Gonzalez?

You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz, crushes balls

'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.

You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!

You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.

[Several hours later, Theo is sitting over Lowrie's hospital bed. Lowrie looks up at him.]

Lowrie: Theo, I think if you just give me the chance, I can contribute. My arms and legs are feeling better. Honest.

Theo opens his mouth, points down to Lowrie's frame, and then bursts into tears, wailing. Lowrie looks down and sees that all of his limbs have been amputated...

FIN

(For other Red Sox-related ballads, see: Alex Gonzalez, Jason Varitek, and Johan Santana.)