The Ballad of Jed Lowrie
Hurt 'n Cold
(with heartfelt apologies to Katy Perry)
Terry Francona is speaking to Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein and Jed Lowrie in front of the entire team and a full Fenway Park.
Francona: Theo, do you take Jed Lowrie as your starting shortstop for the 2010 season?
[Theo looks earnestly at Lowrie.]
Theo: I do. [Theo smiles.]
Francona: Now, Jed, do you accept the starting shortstop job for the 2010 Boston Red Sox?
[All eyes in Fenway are on Jed Lowrie, and he stares back at Theo, embarassed.]
Lowrie: "Ow, my spleen..."
[Lowrie loses consciousness.]
{CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE BALLAD.}
[Theo bursts into song, pointing at the twitching body of Jed Lowrie as paramedics run to it. As he sings, he chases the EMTs as they cart Lowrie through Fenway Park and down the streets of Boston to the hospital district in Longwood. ]
You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz crushes balls.
You overplay
Like each game, is your last!
And you, always break
Like you've got leprosy
I should know
That you're no good for me.
'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.
You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.
You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!
You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.
We... used to be
Just like Sox, wicked tight.
The same energy
Now's a hip injury.
Used to laugh 'bout your health,
Then we needed Nick Green
I should know, that you're not gonna to change.
'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.
You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.
You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!
Someone check the waivers,
Go get me healthy players!
Shortstop's a disaster -
Where's my boy Gonzalez?
You hurt yourself
Like Ortiz, crushes balls
'Cause you're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.
You're gone when it's late
It's karma, it's fate
You heal, you come up
You play, you break up.
You!
You don't really want to play, no!
You!
You don't really want to go - oh!
You're hurt and you're cold
You're frail like you're old
You're weak when you're hot
You're here, then you're not.
[Several hours later, Theo is sitting over Lowrie's hospital bed. Lowrie looks up at him.]
Lowrie: Theo, I think if you just give me the chance, I can contribute. My arms and legs are feeling better. Honest.
Theo opens his mouth, points down to Lowrie's frame, and then bursts into tears, wailing. Lowrie looks down and sees that all of his limbs have been amputated...
FIN
(For other Red Sox-related ballads, see: Alex Gonzalez, Jason Varitek, and Johan Santana.)
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11 comments
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Comments
This is just simply amazing
Bravo, E. Can’t wait for the next one.
by Randy Booth on Oct 5, 2009 11:01 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
so there i was
sitting in the infield grandstand, right by 3rd base, and I say to my friend “If he manages to get a grand slam from the lft side of the plate, his season will be redeemed in my eyes”
so I guess I’m OK with his year. Get better please!
by wolf9309 on Oct 5, 2009 11:23 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Not sure if he was actually grimacing in pain, by the way, Randy.
Kinda looked like one of those teeth-grinding-because-you-don’t-know-if-you-all-of-it faces. And yes, I realize I sound like an apologist.
@bs_uf15bosox9be The Original Gameday; Learn to use SB Nation
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Oct 5, 2009 6:51 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
Julio Lugo
because I miss him so
You are a riot!
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Oct 5, 2009 12:01 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
It may be poetic license or something like that, but...
He’s really NOT that fragile. He injured his wrist the one time, and it didn’t heal properly when he was told to avoid surgery over the offseason. All the other stuff has stemmed from a clusterfrak of bad luck on his way back.
@bs_uf15bosox9be The Original Gameday; Learn to use SB Nation
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Oct 5, 2009 7:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
You have some serious love for this guy
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Oct 5, 2009 10:07 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have some serious love for the Sox.
And he’s the best option we’ve got at SS, so I will defend him.
@bs_uf15bosox9be The Original Gameday; Learn to use SB Nation
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Oct 5, 2009 11:12 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I would imagine most ( if not all) who post here love the Sox- in their own way of course
but you seem to go above and beyond for Jed and I do not understand it- at all.
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Oct 6, 2009 12:51 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
He gets blamed for stuff that wasn't his fault.
And he doesn’t get the respect he deserves as a player to begin with.
@bs_uf15bosox9be The Original Gameday; Learn to use SB Nation
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Oct 6, 2009 8:05 PM EDT up reply actions 0 recs
I say resign Gonzo and keep Lowrie as backup. If he stays healthy then he moves into the starting role and Gonzo backs him up. When healthy Lowrie is a solid player. The problem is you can’t know how long he;kk stay healthy.
by Jillian on Oct 5, 2009 11:06 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs

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