A Consideration of the Varitek Contract Situation (in Song!)

via farm3.static.flickr.com

Randy's open thread for Tek's deadline day is here. According to this, Tek has signed with the Sox. As Tek's contract situation is being disclosed, I wanted to share with you something I've been working on for the last few days. (Click Continue Reading to see it.)

To the tune of X Gon Give It to Ya, by DMX (see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_TbHl3a8qk )

Tek's Gonna Give It To Ya

Arf arf
Yeah, uh! Yeah. Yeah, uh!
Don’t get it twisted –
This catching position is MINE, sportswriters!
Baseball, it’s not a freaking game!
So forget who you signed.
It’s who you signin
It’s who you signin (Jason!)
It’s who you signin (Jason!)
It’s who you signing (Jason!).

Tek’s gonna give it to ya (What?!)
Screw wait for you to get me on your own
Tek’s gonna bring it to ya (Uh!)
Vroom! Vroom! Open up the Porsche it’s me
With a ballpoint pen and my Agent B.
It ain’t hard getting balls to hit,
And I got such a good stroke
I’ll knock the tar right out of it
Damn right and I’ll do it again
‘Cause I am Tek, and I really can.
Sign contracts that payin me
No matter how many offers you make
I’ll make more than Royalty.
You executives never wanted nothing
But your cash saved. Pitch! And that’s on a nice day.
I’m signing Up, UP!
Five Million Gee$
I WILL be the one ending up on his knees.
Sox, please! If the only thing you gonna offer’s nothing
It’s fine with me.

First I’m gonna SIGN, then I’m gonna CATCH
Then I’m gonna SLIP let it ROLL
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya.

Theo never gave nothing to me,
But every time I look around
The catcher’s a mystery.
He ain’t signing, so I ain’t playin
Let’s leave it at that, that’s all I be sayin.
Throwing it with my full strength
I’m a bad catcher
So I face the runner like I’m Paps on the mound.
You against me, me against you,
Whatever, whenever
Can’t hit and catch too.
I’m a computer in man’s clothing
Only catcher that can call no-hitters,
Come to bat and K on splitters.
I been doing this my whole career
Catchers wanna catch here? Catch my gear!
I catch balls and it’s all for the squad
But these Sox done forgot I’m a God -
They don’t know, they can’t see
Because I’m great, intangibly.

First I’m gonna SIGN, then I’m gonna CATCH
Then I’m gonna DROP let it ROLL
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya.

You know where my pitchers at?
I know I got ‘em all in my glove
They give me love and I give it back.
Caught too much for too long,
Won’t give up, I’m too strong (What?!).
Props to my Watney honey
Oh yeah, I’m the guy that done it!
And it ain’t even about the dough
It’s about getting down with an announca, yo!

First I’m gonna SIGN, then I’m gonna CATCH
Then I’m gonna DROP let it ROLL
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya
Tek’s gon give it to ya
He gon give it to ya.