An interview with Yankee replacement shortstop Alberto Gonzales,* freshly called up from the Department of Justice:
0157H7: Welcome. So how does it feel to be a part of the vaunted Yankees organization? To walk in the footsteps of Mickey Mantle and Babe Ruth?
Alberto Gonzales: Well, you know, at first I thought I wouldn't really fit in. I wasn't thinking about the Yankee mystique or anything; I don't worry much about history, or legacies.
Instead, I thought of all the great people that are currently a part of the Yankees. Guys like Jason [Giambi] and Andy [Pettitte]. But then I started to realize how much I had in common with them. For instance, until I talked to Jason in the clubhouse, I never knew that he almost talked before Congress. And Andy spoke to their investigators. People in Congress really wanted to talk to them. I can understand that, because I've talked to Congress too.
0: What did you tell Congress?
AG: I can't recall.
0: ...You seem to be hitting well so far in your call up.
AG: I have no knowledge of that.
0: What do you do in your time away from baseball?
AG: I have this favorite activity at home. Some people tell me it's unpleasant, but I really get a kick out of it.
0: Oh, what is that?
AG: Well, I watch surfing on TV. I find that makes me thirsty, so I drink a lot of Dasani. I call it "waterboarding." Nobody else likes it though - they claim trying it out is torture.
0: I see. The President has stressed the dangers of steroids. Considering your connection to him, are you worried about being seen as a narc among your fellow players?
AG: I'm a real team player - it's part of how I got where I am. Like my good friend Andy, I'd always be there if a teammate needed a shot in the arm, or in the proverbial butt. That said, I have no recollection of seeing any of my colleagues breaking the law.
0: You're close to President Bush. I know there's still another 281 days, but what do you see him doing after he leaves office? For example, could you see him becoming commissioner of MLB?
AG: Bud Selig is one dictator that Mr Bush won't take on..
*Actual Yankee infielder named Gonzalez, not Gonzales. Interview entirely fictional.