How to be a Yankee Fan
You've always wondered, "How can I do it? How can I turn off my brain and turn up the decibels? How can I join the raucous mob that swarms New York and hangs off every word of the New York Post?"
Well, wonder no longer. Because thanks to this exclusive offer, you can try my new book JETER GOOD! A-ROD BAD!, risk free for thirty days. Call 1-800-SUCKERS today.
In my "award-winning" book, you'll learn the art of the stereotypical Yankee fan. Specifically, that's the art of throwing bodily excretions at a canvas and claiming the resulting specimen is not only inspired, but also worth $80 million over 5 years with a no-trade contract. You'll also learn how to portray yourself as the stereotypical Yankee fan online, in chapter 17. For your exclusive benefit, I'm reprinting that chapter here, at no charge.
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Do you want to learn all the Inner Secrets of Outer Yankeedom?
Are you tired of Rhetorical Questions, and eager to see the Chapter?
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[WARNING: DEFINITE SPOILER AHEAD.]
_________________________________________________
CHAPTER 17: How to Behave On the Internet
[JETER GOOD! A-ROD BAD! page 18]
You TRUE YANKEE, You TROLL! via sincontratiempo.files.wordpress.com
As a TRUE YANKEE FAN, you have certain rights and responsibilities online. To be precise, you have the Right and the Responsibility to be Wrong and Irresponsible on internet message boards. You must do the following:
1. Type in CAPS. AT ALL TIMES.
By typing in caps AT ALL TIMES YOU LET EVERYONE KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU ARE AND HOW VALID YOUR OPINION IS.
2. Never use punctuation.
Punctuation was invented by evil, literate Red Sox fans. As we discussed in chapter five - Screaming at the Top of Your Lungs, for Fun and Profit - TRUE YANKEE FANS in public are not quiet, and they rarely pause to draw breath. As you recall from that chapter, the Legendary Banshee of Ireland was actually the first Yankee fan, wailing its plight for not having a team to watch, or a Jeter to worship. Punctuation is a cruel respite from the glory and emotionality of TRUE YANKEE FANDOM, which is why no TRUE YANKEE FAN in human histroy has ever used it.
3. Hair is the enemy.
Clean-cut players always win. Ignore Manny Ramirez, Bronson Arroyo, or anyone who has ever played for the Oakland Athletics. Short hair = victory.
For an example of these see this brilliant, incisive piece from pinstripealley.com:
CASHMAN GO GET TEIXIERA MAKE HIM A YANKEE
I AM HOPING THE YANKS GET REALLY GREEDY AND ALSO GET MARK TEIXEIRA
NOT ONLY TO SCREW THE REDSOX NATION BUT TO FILL IN THE MUCH NEEDED HITTING AND GREAT FIELDING FIRST BASEMAN WE HAVE BEEN WITHOUT SINCE TINO RETIRED AND WE GOT STUCK WITH GIAMBI THAT STIFF WE NEED TO FILL THAT HOLE IN THE LINE UP THAT HAS BEEN VACATED BY BOBBY ABREU LEAVING THIS GUY IS A YANKEE ICON IN THE MAKING HE IS AGREAT HITTER AWESOM FIELDER AND CLEAN CUT HE WILL BE AS BELOVED AS TINO AND MATTINGLY GIVEN THE OPPURTUNITY AND LENTHLY CONTRACT TO PERFORM IN NEW STADIUM WE NEED A NEW FIRST BASEMAN TO LEAD THE YANKEES TO SOME NEW CHAMPIONSHIPS
- Poster JUMBOHAWK
Note JUMBOHAWK's superb use of Moronic Hexameter, also known as the complete lack of structure, to bind the piece together. Truly breathtaking. For more on that see Chapter 19 "TRUE YANKEE FAN Books. With Pictures!!1!" (page 22).
Of course, JUMBOHAWK omitted the most crucial thing in a Yankee post, which is
4) To profess your undying love to DEREK JETER, GODHEAD OF MAJESTY AND REPRESENTATION OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE, AND FURTHERMORE ENEMY OF A-ROD THE MOST UNCLEAN, while verbally smiting A-ROD THE DECEIVER, PRINCE OF LIES, AND FALSE YANKEE.
5) Go forth and spread your wisdom into the blogosphere, and let not the enemies cries of "TROLL" dissuade your holy quest.
Also be sure to check out the rules of internet trade discussion, covered in Chapter 40 (page 44) "LETS TRADE MELKY FOR JOHAN SANTANA AND DAVID WRIGHT!"
____________________________________________
There. You may now pick up the pieces of your blown mind, and exit the ride to your left. Having read a chapter for ABSOLUTELY FREE, are you ready to experience THE WHOLE THING?!!
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11 recs |
48 comments
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Comments
Marvelous
I REALLI THINK DAT ANY1 WHO LUVS DA NY YANKEES HAS 2 DEFFFANETLY PURCHESE THIS BOOK BECAUS WE ALL NEED 2 BE ENLITENED ABOUT YANKEE CULTERE AND WITH THIS BOOK YOU LEARN ALL U NEED 2 BE GOOD YANKEE FAN
AROD IS A LOUSY BUM AND HE WILL NEVER GET US A RING LETS TRADE HIM FOR HAMELS HOWARD UTLEY AND VICTORINO THEN AFTER THAT WE SHOOD TRAD IAN KENNEDY AND HUGHES FOR RUSSAL MARTAN MAT KEMP CHAD BILLINGLY CLAYTEN CURSHAW AND JOHNATHEN BROXTAN
HERE COULD BE LINEUP ON STARTING DAY (ASSUMING WE SIGN MANNY AND TESHERA)
C – RUSAL MARTEN
DH- RYAN HOWERD
1B-MARK TESHERRA
2B- CHASE UTLYEY
SS-DEREK JETER<33333
3B- DAVED WRITE (ASSUMING WE TRADE MELKY FOR SANTANA AND WRITE)
OF1-MANNY RAMIRAZ
OF2 MAT KEMP
OF3- SHANE VICTERINO
THEN WE COULD HAVE SUPER BENCH OF POSADA MATSUI DAMEN SWISHER AND CANOE
AND OUR ROTATION WOULD BE
HAMELS
AJ BURNET
SANTANANA
CHAN MING WANG
CC SABATHIA
AND HAVE CHAD BILLINGLEY AS SPOT STARTER AND BROXTIN AS SETUP MAN WITH MARINO REVERA AS CLOSER
WE WIL WIN DA RING EVERY YEAR EVER IF DAT LINEUP11
!!!!!
MAKE IT HAPPEN STEINBRANNER N CASHMEN!
4am and I am bored. Can anyone else do better?
by Charged on Dec 15, 2008 7:04 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
WHERE THE HELL IS PUJOLS IN THAT LINEUP?!??!?!?!?
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 15, 2008 7:29 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
DUDE R U STOOPID?
PUJOALS ONLY ONE THE MVP BECUZ SPORTSRIGHTERS ARE DUM. THE ONLY CATEGORAES THAT MATER ARE RBI AND HOMERUN AND RYEN HOWERD LED IN BOTH OF THEM! QUIT BEING STOOPID!
by Charged on Dec 15, 2008 8:34 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
SORRY, HE JUST HAS SUCH A HIGH BATTING AVERAGE!!!!
AND A LOWWWWWWWW ERA!!!
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 17, 2008 4:54 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Brilliant.
You know, I would actually read that bok.
Manny ain't the only bad man.
by tommy.otm on Dec 15, 2008 8:17 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Rec'd
Brilliant.
Well, I will appreciate for you to keep my zingers out of your mouth!
by BoSox415 on Dec 15, 2008 6:11 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Need... book.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 15, 2008 7:29 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I'm thinking I'm going to flag this
until the book comes out.
"Are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor?"
by Allen Chace on Dec 16, 2008 12:46 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
All I can do is stand up and applaude. E-Coli, you are the freakin’ man.
by Randy Booth on Dec 16, 2008 1:21 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Oh, and everyone should rec this post. Absolutely amazing.
by Randy Booth on Dec 16, 2008 1:21 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Obviously Rec'd.
I love how they still love Mattingly even though he played in an era when the Yanks sucked. They made the playoffs once in his career.
by BTLove on Dec 16, 2008 12:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I love this post!!
I sent a Yankee fan an email laughing about their payroll and he responded with " SOUR GRAPES"
uh, ok…
I do like to read but might wait for the movie.
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Dec 16, 2008 10:32 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Oh man. The movie would be hilarious … who would play George Steinbrenner?
by Randy Booth on Dec 16, 2008 10:55 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
If only Jackie Gleason was still alive.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 17, 2008 4:55 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
You'll like the movie adaptation.
We’ve already got Steven Spielberg to direct; all it took was a huge budget and a promise to insert a completely random alien scene (we explain it away as A-Rod’s reunion with his true family). Also, we got Tom Cruise to play Derek Jeter. The casting decision for that was pretty exciting:
Producer A: So let me get this straight…
Producer B: Uh-huh…
A: We need a guy to play someone with major star power, who is always manically and compulsively smiling…
B: Uh-huh…
A: Is Tom Cruise available?
We also got Jack Nicholson to play Scott Boras. Of course, we wanted to add more to his story, since it was so important to everything. So we wrote in the war in paradise, the fall from glory, the episode where he tempted some high schoolers with apples from the fruit of free agency, all that. Then it was just a matter of filling in the role players. I don’t want to give away too much, but we had a lot of special people involved. Madonna, George Clooney, Michael Vick, Gary Coleman. It was a real challenge casting for Suzyn Waldman, but I think Nails on a Chalkboard really, well, nailed it.
"It's just a tiny little nick, but it hurts when I get champagne in there."
- Jason Bay, on getting spiked scoring the winning run in ALDS Game Four.
by 0157H7 on Dec 16, 2008 11:15 PM EST up reply actions 7 recs
Honestly, you probably have the most RECS in OTM history…
(And, hey, let me know if you like the top 10 list I sent you…)
by Randy Booth on Dec 16, 2008 11:33 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
I like the list.
For me, the year was more about Lester than Manny, but he does definitely deserve some top billing. I’d be interested in doing one of the Lester write-ups.
"It's just a tiny little nick, but it hurts when I get champagne in there."
- Jason Bay, on getting spiked scoring the winning run in ALDS Game Four.
by 0157H7 on Dec 17, 2008 12:22 AM EST up reply actions 0 recs
oh man you are killing me!!!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! " manically and compulsively smiling…" Hilarious!!!
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Dec 17, 2008 8:19 AM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Hey, Massgal, welcome back
to the land of the Teixeira Watchers. Midterms?
Well, I will appreciate for you to keep my zingers out of your mouth!
by BoSox415 on Dec 17, 2008 5:31 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Hi
Thanks, this semester was brutal – 3 research papers and one final which starts in about 30 mins.
Instead of freakishly reviewing notes, I am adding up credits to see how many more until I am OUT: 23 credits!!
about 8 classes depending on credit hours per class…. 4 in the spring; 2 in the summer & maybe independent writing projects for others!!
Hope all is well everyone..can’t wait for baseball season!!
"You know," Girardi said, shrugging his shoulders, "it didn't work."
( Joe Girardi on pitching to Manny Ramirez with first base open)
by MassGal on Dec 17, 2008 6:36 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Please... stop.
Can’t take many more headbutts with the desk after passing out from laughing.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 17, 2008 4:57 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Rec'd
This is absolutely hilarious.
by walkoff baltimore chop on Dec 17, 2008 8:36 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
LMAO
Amazing post. Bravo!
Peanuts...Get your Overpriced Peanuts!
by Angel Hawker on Dec 19, 2008 2:48 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
best part
“Also be sure to check out the rules of internet trade discussion, covered in Chapter 40 (page 44) "LETS TRADE MELKY FOR JOHAN SANTANA AND DAVID WRIGHT!”
even as a Yankees fan, i’ve gotta laugh at that. well done.
by Clutch like Leyritz on Dec 24, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
New update:
Sign every baseball player ever to live to a contract of at least $100mil.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 24, 2008 2:06 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Sorry, everyone, for Front-Paging this again.
I just made some minor edits, and it went to the top. Randy or Allen, could you move it back lower?
"It's just a tiny little nick, but it hurts when I get champagne in there."
- Jason Bay, on getting spiked scoring the winning run in ALDS Game Four.
by 0157H7 on Dec 30, 2008 12:31 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
I could (maybe?) but I refuse to.
Worry not. I’ve got a long post that’ll push it down in the morning. Until then, everyone, enjoy again!
"Are you a real doctor, or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor?"
by Allen Chace on Dec 30, 2008 1:01 AM EST up reply actions 0 recs
But we want it at the top!
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 30, 2008 4:41 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
I hope
it’s an article “101 reasons why the redsox shouldnt trade for Hanley Ramirez”. Cuz um yea as a yankee fan I kinda hope he stays in florida.
Strikeouts are boring- Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.
by CasanovaWong on Dec 30, 2008 2:18 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
You don't want him to replace Jeter?
Oh wait, that would mean getting rid of the Captain.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 30, 2008 4:42 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
0157H7
You proved that the only reason Cashman got TEIXIERA was based upon a intellectual investigation of blogs. Threw his research the only rational out come was made by JUMBOHAWK thus Cashman had no choice but to sign TEIXIERA. Only the smartest Yankee fans control the blogosphere and Cashman only listens to them.
by Red Sox #1 Fan on Dec 30, 2008 5:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
And that was only after...
Cashman and the Yankees signed some insurance-adjuster from Scranton named “Teshera”…
Rock me, sexy Jesus...
by nuthinboutnuthin on Dec 31, 2008 6:07 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
I hear...
he has some great pop in his bat hip. On a related note, we should try to get this guy to join the OTM Facebook group.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Dec 31, 2008 11:09 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
He's a Mariner fan
Awkward….
Well, I'll appreciate for you to keep my zingers outta your mouth!
by BoSox415 on Jan 1, 2009 5:52 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
That would have created a mob in Seattle.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Jan 1, 2009 8:15 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
How appropriate is it that the Yankees' GM is named "Cashman"?
$man!
"You know you're having a bad day when the fifth inning rolls around and they drag the warning track." - Mike Flanagan, Baltimore Orioles pitcher, 1992.
by SoxDevil on Jan 2, 2009 12:35 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Same with Chris Moneymaker
He won the World Poker Championship, or whatever it’s called. And I just lost twenty bucks playing poker over the weekend. :(
Well, I'll appreciate for you to keep my zingers outta your mouth!
by BoSox415 on Jan 2, 2009 7:39 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Haha...
Bad poker face or bad in general?
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Jan 3, 2009 8:09 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Bad in general.
You start out with around 2000, and the only time I won was when i had 10 or so, and the real pot was around 1000, but there had to be a side-pot… :(
Well, I'll appreciate for you to keep my zingers outta your mouth!
by BoSox415 on Jan 3, 2009 9:21 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Haha...
play on the online flash games. It helps.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Jan 3, 2009 9:28 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs
Haha
Short hair = victory. Classic.
by DirtySouthSox on Jan 2, 2009 5:16 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Only point that I agree on with the MFY.
Clutch: A measurement of how much better or worse a player does in high leverage situations than he would have done in a context neutral environment. http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/index.php/glossary/
by bs.uf15bosox9bears23 on Jan 3, 2009 8:10 PM EST up reply actions 0 recs

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